9-1-1, what’s the nature of your emergency? Your cat missing is not an emergency, ma’am. This line is dedicated to emergency calls… no… I’m pretty sure it isn’t. I know that a woman’s heart is “a deep ocean of secrets” and that may make you think you know everything. But with all due respect, let me tell you what an actual emergency is: when Rose’s necklace went missing in Titanic and they blamed poor Jack for stealing it. Now that was an emergency. But you didn’t see him or anyone else calling 9-1-1 did you? What? No, I won’t forward your call to my boss, you can talk to me.

9-1-1, what’s the nature of your emergency? You've been stabbed and are bleeding… is not an emergency, sir. That's just a typical man-versus-man or man-versus-self situation, depending on how you got in that situation in the first place. You would need to figure which plot dynamic you're involved in out on your own. Like Jack and Rose. Let me cut to the chase. There were hundreds of beds on board. Hundreds if not thousands and Jack and Rose had to make love in the back seat of a car, a car! Did they call 9-1-1 when they encountered that difficulty? They did not! What? An ambulance? Are you even listening to me? Look I know everyone says it, but I'm not crazy. With all due respect, I’m not the one hanging off the back of a ship here. Listen, I thought I drew you a clear picture like one of those French girls: this is not an emergency. Alright, hold on, hold on.

Jack Dawson’s office, what’s the nature of your emergency? A bomb threat in Times Square is not an emergency, Sir. I’ll tell you what an emergency actually is: hitting an iceberg! Man versus nature! That’s right, man versus nature. And when the Titanic, the unsinkable, the magnificent, the ship that God won’t sink, hit that iceberg did they call any 9-1-1? They did not. What? Oh yeah? Then why don’t you send an S.O.S message then? All I’m saying is all of the life’s lessons are in Titanic… You know what? Hold on.

Alright, I’ve put all three of you on a 9-1-1 conference call. Now you listen to me and you listen to me good. Your cat bleeding in Times Square is not an emergency, people. Did Jack not save Rose in all the ways a person can be saved without resorting to calling 9-1-1? All I'm saying is that so can you…

And look, the greatest tragedy in the world has already happened. You tell me wasn’t there enough room for Jack on that door. Did he really need to die? Yes, I’m crying, it’s not allergies. Just promise me you’ll survive. That you won’t give up, no matter what happens. No matter how hopeless… Alright?

What? Oh my god. Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am! Why didn’t you say so? I had no idea. I’m so, so sorry. You should have mentioned that. I need your address. Okay, got it. I’m sending help right away!

Attention all units. There’s a life-threatening emergency on 37th and 10th. This lady has not watched Titanic yet. Please get her a DVD of Titanic ASAP. I repeat PLEASE GET HER A DVD OF TITANIC ASAP. I’m also on my way with a loaner DVD of Titanic from my personal collection.