Hey Boomer! Yeah, I am a teen in a movie and this is genuinely how I talk, mmmkay? Despite having grown up in a midwestern suburb, I talk with the eloquent confidence of a 25-year-old creative type and the inflection of a Kardashian, both of which are normal for someone who has braces and is too nervous to make their own doctor appointments. I do not stumble over my words, and I’m especially articulate when crafting a clever comeback.

Sorry not sorry, but I’m living absolutely rent-free in your mind!

It may not seem fire emoji to you, but this is actually my regular vocabulary. I’m AP English student and president of the mock trial team, but I also simp down bad for my latest bae. Stay mad! Does this sound crazy af? Is it giving insanely extra vibes?

I just wanted to check you, make sure that you weren’t too salty about this whole ordeal of engaging with a younger generation. All gucci? Even though I am theoretically pursuing a higher education in less than a year, these are actually the words I used in a college essay. I explained to the admissions board at Harvard University that sometimes, being fam can be more valuable than family. They called it “poignant commentary on the benefit of choosing your community.”

Okay, periodt!

Speaking like this to my mom and bestie is just kind of my aesthetic? Does that make sense? It doesn’t? Well, whatever. I didn’t write this movie, someone who hasn’t been to a high school in 15 years did. They took a position in a writer’s room because they needed to make rent and they heard Seth Rogan was attached. He’s absolutely not. He already did Superbad! He’s done! Still, that person probs signed a contract and probs is just happy to get work and probs got addicted to TikTok while researching these phrases. POV: you’re obsessed with TikTok and thirsty for money…

Speaking of TikTok, I will be doing a dance soon, because all teens have a dance-centric algorithm. I’ll perform something easy and non-threatening, which is extremely difficult since teens are the most threatening age of people. It will be to a nondescript EDM type of beat. It exists solely in the plot so that when I mess up the steps, my BFF Chloe will lash out at me, revealing that perhaps my Queen Bee status is crumbling.

Speaking of crumbling… My bestie’s dance moves ATE and left no crumbs!

I guess there’s another end of this linguistic spectrum, wherein I am John Green’s archetype and speak about literature and emotions with the same grandiose quality that might befall a divorcee on the brink of emotional and financial ruin. However, this is not that kind of movie. This is the kind of movie where I am desperately trying to locate alcohol and a boyfriend (who for some reason does not speak with any sort of trendy phrasing). Despite him being the first person I have ever dated, we will get married in the epilogue. Slay!

Let’s BeReal for a second: I don’t need to be your favorite character in this movie. I don’t even want to be. My goals are simply to get lit or die trying. I want to glow up by act three. I want to send a text blast to the entire school. I want to pop off before I am sent to boarding school or college or Pennsylvania or whatever.

No cap, this is really how I talk. Get used to it. 🐸 ☕