In the literary canon, there are certain writers who changed the world. Mary Shelley, who created the entire genre of science fiction. God, who came up with the Bible. And me, as soon as I find a new pencil that can actually write worth a damn.

If you haven’t heard of me before, I’m not surprised. The publishing world has always had a bias against writers who have never actually written anything. Rest assured, though, you’ll be hearing a lot about me soon. I have the potential to be the most incredible author history has ever seen. It’s just that the tip of my pencil snapped off because I was pressing too hard, and now when I try to write anything with it, it’s all smudgy and weird.

My head is overflowing with incredible ideas. What if there was a man who was really strong (physically or metaphorically) but he had a great weakness (again, could be physical or a metaphor)? What if there were two lovers, who experienced one of the most heart-breaking romances humanity has ever seen? What if some guys went on an epic quest, full of amazing things and monsters and so on? These are just a few of the world-changing stories I could absolutely write, if the tip of my pencil hadn’t broken off when I was just about to get serious.

I’m not just limited to the realm of fiction, either. I have countless breakthroughs in the fields of philosophy, mathematics, and science, which I will pour out onto the page as soon as I find a pencil sharpener. For example, I’ve come up with a revolutionary new version of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave (instead of shadows, there’s a TV in there). I’ve completely revolutionised algebra by taking out the letters. And need I mention Gravity 2? All this and more is definitely ready to go, and it’s just the pencil thing holding me back, I swear.

You can’t imagine how frustrating this is for me. I’ve spent the last thirty years travelling the globe, experiencing new cultures and experiences, expanding my skills and knowledge so I can attack my writing with greater wisdom than ever before. In Centro Andino, Bogotá, I visited the first-ever McDonald’s to open in Colombia. In Vanua Levu, Fiji, I swam with dolphins that I later discovered were just porpoises wearing fake noses. In Casablanca, Morocco, I visited the first-ever McDonald’s to open in Africa. And I just found a pencil sharpener but, ugh, would you believe it? It’s totally the wrong size.

I know what you’re thinking: this pencil thing is just an excuse, and the real problem is my fear of failure. Wrong, idiot, I’m probably the bravest person in the world. I’ve run with the bulls in Pamplona—or, at least, I definitely would, but I’m a vegetarian. I’ve swum with sharks in the open ocean—although, to be fair, it turned out they were just porpoises wearing fake noses again. And I’ve done the bravest thing any person can do, which is to admit when I have made a mistake. That last one wasn’t even hard for me, because I have only ever made one made mistake in my entire life, which was only buying the one pencil.

God, if only I had bought another pencil! You can’t begin to imagine all the incredible, groundbreaking, miraculous things I would totally be capable of writing. The pencil really is the only thing holding me back. And, it’s true, there are other ways to write. I could use a pen, but I only have one pen, and it’s out of ink. I could use a crayon, but come on, I’m not a child. And, yes, I could write my thoughts out on a computer. But you know what happens when you write things out on a computer?

You get stupid garbage like this.


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