Golly, am I eager for this! I have been waiting to see this band live for months! Months! And to think that I almost couldn't believe that this faithful night would finally come. But alas it is actually here. My closest friends and I are soon to watch the inspiring experience that is live music! It is expected to be a moving, entertaining, and all around pleasurable time for all.

As the concert begins, so will the flashing stage lights and eerie smog courtesy of the fog machine, at which time I will become much too over-stimulated for my own good.

It is then that I will demonstrate my appreciation for the present moment by throwing shit. What kind of shit will I throw, you quietly ask yourself?

All kinds of shit.

Though I will be throwing a varying multitude of shit, I will be sure to make certain that none of the shit is enjoyable or convenient in a concert setting. This means I will not be chucking handfuls of fresh potpourri or slinging just-out-of-the-oven muffins. Oh, no.

Concert crowd and stage
“With a 360 target as far as the arm can throw, it shouldn't matter how many beers I've had—it is going to rain shit on SOMEONE, if not a large group of them.”
Perhaps just as the idolized lead guitar player completes a blistering solo to a sea of envious applause, I will hurl my half-filled plastic cup of domestic beer forward onto unsuspecting members of the audience. This action should no doubt receive a generous horde of high-fives from my surrounding brethren. For anyone who does not value this action clearly is not paying attention to the extreme level of elation this event brings me.

It is not only I who will be prepared to alert all other concert-goers of how excited I am through the measurement of how much shit I throw. My concert companions will come prepared as well, making certain to have brought a solid supply of neon glow sticks to fling upon the crowd at various intervals. Though glow sticks may initially seem like a nice prize to see reigning down on you at a concert, we will be lobbing them forward so that the future owners of these translucent tubes will not notice their newest trinket until it leaves a welt in the back of their skull. It is then that they will truly treasure the gifts that I ever so kindly bestowed upon them.

As the concert goes on, and the crowd turns to a large mass of pumping fists and barricaded companions, I will likely have had half a dozen beers. It is for that reason I will not want to shove my way through the crowd and locate the bathrooms, so it is of great fortune that I will likely find an empty beer cup lying at my feet. The only issue remaining is what to do with it once I fill it to the brim with urine?

Wait, I know.