I invented quite a lot of stuff. Lots of stuff that you and I now take for granted, except not I, because I invented them.

You know in summer, when it’s a beautiful hot sunny day and you’re walking down the street in your cool Bermuda shorts and your cool Bermuda shirt, but then you go into a cool Bermuda bar and you no longer need to wear your cool shades? And you take them off and hook them over the front bit of your collar where they dangle in front of you? I invented that. Before I invented that, people just used to put their sunglasses in their back pocket, forget about them, and sit down, crushing them. It was ridiculous.

Or you know when you’re cooking that terrific parmigiano recipe (think that’s how it’s spelled) and your hands get covered in eggplant juice, so you grab a towel, dry them, and throw the towel over your shoulder? I invented that. Before I invented that, people used to just throw the towel in the bin or dry their hands on the hob. It was ridiculous.

Or you know when you have a bottle of champagne and you need to release the cork and you loosen it with your thumb? I invented that. Before I invented it, people just smashed the bottle on the floor and licked up the champagne. It was ridiculous.

Or you know when you go to a person’s house, you knock on the front door with your knuckles? I invented that. Before I invented it, people would just stand outside the front door for hours and hours, hoping the person would just come out as they were going downstairs to buy eggplants for their parmajohno. It was ridiculous.

Or you know when you get a plate of piping hot paamaajaano and to cool it down you blow on it oh so daintily? I invented that. Before I invented it, people’d just pick it up and say, “too hot,” and throw it out the window and before you knew it there’d be a pile of permijunooo on the sidewalk. It was ridiculous.

Or you know when you’re with your friends and you clink glasses to toast an evening of pleasant beverage imbibing? I invented that. Before I invented it, people would just drink their beverage at the bar. They wouldn’t even bother raising the glass, or sitting down, or inviting their friends. Every just sat in silence. It was ridiculous.

Or you know when you’re walking down the street, and it’s chilly so you grab your scarf and pull it around your neck in a clever doubled way, then put the ends through the loop. I’ve explained that terribly, but you know what I mean. I invented that. Before I invented it, people just tied their scarves round and round their neck until they started to asphyxiate, so they'd have to pause under a window to ask for help and blammo! A plate of hot hot hot parmijeani would splat them in the face.

I also invented tipping a chips packet to your face, so the bits of chips fall on your face, and also that thing where you don’t bother putting on your trainers but you slip them on with the backs fold down. I’m a genius. I invented lots of stuff, and no one gives me the credit I probably deserve. But hey, I do it for the good of our evolution as a species.

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