When I first started the Orange County Suck & Fuck seventeen years ago in the back of my Jeep Grand Cherokee, I wasn't thinking about the politics. My focus is, and always has been, on the quality of the Sucking and Fucking presented. Now I know the world has changed since we started organizing, but that doesn't mean this whole thing has to become some big political Fuck Fest, as opposed to a regular one.
Suck & Fuck does not belong to anyone. It is a car-based, non-profit sexual marathon open to all members of the public, so long as they adhere to the Suck & Fuck rules.
Suck & Fuck Official Rules
1. Everyone should be generous, and embody the kind Orange County spirit this Suck & Fuck was founded upon.
2. If you cannot suck or fuck, please find a friend who can, and work as a team. Remember, here at Suck & Fuck, lone wolves need not apply.
3. I only have a certain amount of skips on my Pandora, so please be democratic about which George Michael songs we forgo listening to.
I take full responsibility for creating the foundation of a two-party system in the George Michael debate, splitting the car in between the "Careless Whisper" haves, and the "Careless Whisper" have-nots. I know a Suck & Fuck divided cannot stand, and that's why this year I'm announcing the addition of Spotify Premium to the Suck & Fuck landscape. While I hope this solution merges party alignment, I know crumbs do not make the meal, and have requested for Mr. Michael himself to play our 2018 Suck & Fuck, joining our spirits through post-disco dance-pop.
Though I must regret saying that George MichaelGate touched on the American patriotism of this Suck & Fuck, with republicans opting against "Careless Whisper," and democrats all for. This divide has unfortunately entrenched the political stances of the Suckers and Fuckers, and begun to distract from the purpose of Suck & Fuck: "To create an open, accepting sexual buffet for all."
As such, I have decided to make some changes to this great event that Orange County Monthly once called "A Suck and Fuck."
Suck & Fuck: What's Changed?
- Although cosplay has continually added a creative kiss on the neck to the car's energy, I regret to say that masks depicting political figures will no longer be allowed. Not since Reagan and Nixon accidently knocked off the E-break last year during their scuffle, rolling the car into a nearby duck pond.
- The Pledge of Allegiance will no longer be sung before every Suck & Fuck.
- To further distance the Suck & Fuck from our American democracy, I will no longer maintain the title of "President Suck & Fuck," but will instead be referred to as "Colonel Kiss Stick."
- In order to avoid addressing any reproductive debate, the official Suck & Fuck policy is that life begins not at conception, but the moment you step outside of my Jeep Grand Cherokee.
- As much as it pains me to enforce, Anderson Cooper will no longer be allowed to attend the annual Suck & Fuck.
- Instead of "capitalist McDonald's" or "gender rights Wendy's," the Suck & Fuck dinner cart will now exclusively serve politically neutral Whoppers.
- Suck & Fuck expenses are no longer tax-deductible.
- I have removed my trendy "Clinton / Gore" bumper sticker from the Suck & Fuck Jeep, and replaced it with one of Snoopy giving Woodstock the finger.
- Cubans will now be allowed to attend the Suck & Fuck.
It is my hope that these changes help keep the climate of Suck & Fuck one where no one feels the political pressures of the outside world. The only things you should be focused on while in the Jeep are your fellow Suckers and Fuckers, all of whom came here for the same reason as you: escape. No media, no sides, no background checks, just plenty of Sucking, and just enough Fucking.
Thank you, and together, we can make Suck & Fuck great again.
Colonel Kiss Stick