Oh, hello. Didn’t see you there! But I could have, had you used the code words necessary for my highly confidential equation to take notice of your application.

Tired of the secrecy? Good news: I’m here to share these special words with you. In a sea of qualified candidates competing for the same position, I’ve found that those who use particular words in specific sequences bring—how can I say it?—a special “oomph” to their application. I would know. I’m the algorithm.

The first set of twelve words that make sure you don’t slip through my algorithmic cracks are:

‘My’ ‘Cousin’ ‘Ben’ ‘Works’ ‘In’ ‘Accounting’ ‘And’ ‘He’ ‘Already’ ‘Flagged’ ‘My’ ‘Application’

Surprising, huh?! Who knew it was that simple?! And I know Ben—he’s a great guy! Funnily enough, his application used the former secret code word, “Jason.” And Jason used “Alan.” It’s the passing of time, the changing of the guard, the ties that bind us. But most importantly, it’s the key to ensuring you get real, live, human eyeballs on that cover letter!

Alright, moving on, the next set reads:

‘My’ ‘Schnauzer’ ‘Is’ ‘Best’ ‘Friends’ ‘With’ ‘Your’ ‘Boss’s’ ‘Labradoodle’ ‘And’ ‘Every’ ‘Sunday’ ‘We’ ‘Meet’ ‘In’ ‘The’ ‘Park’ ‘While’ ‘Our’ ‘Sweet’ ‘Little’ ‘Puppies’ ‘Play’

Sometimes that’s all it takes! Buddy and Scooter sniffing each other’s tushies on a grassy knoll, and kapow! You bypass the first round. Don’t be upset that you didn’t know this sequence in advance—the past is the past! And I have a few other word-tricks that also work. For example, you could try this fancy little locution:

‘My’ ‘Husband’ ‘Is’ ‘On’ ‘The’ ‘Board’ ‘Of’ ‘A’ ‘College’ ‘Let’s’ ‘Just’ ‘Say’ ‘It’ ‘Rhymes’ ‘With’ ‘Kale’ ‘This’ ‘Could’ ‘Be’ ‘Helpful’ ‘For’ ‘Your’ ‘Son’ ‘Alex’

College admissions are so competitive these days! There’s no harm in highlighting if your spouse is connected to an elite institution. If they aren't, however, might I recommend trying to marry somebody with a certain, je ne sais quoi? A lifestyle of class and comfort, so to speak?

But ok, let’s say this isn’t the case and for whatever reason you continue to date teachers with no clout. Don’t worry! There are still a variety of ways to make sure your application is noticed. For example, this right here is a different kind of sequence:

‘I’ ‘Have’ ‘Compromising’ ‘Photos’ ‘Of’ ‘The’ ‘Hiring’ ‘Manager’ ‘And’ ‘While’ ‘Neither’ ‘Of’ ‘Us’ ‘Will' ‘Mention’ ‘It’ ‘We’ ‘Both’ ‘Know’ ‘Those’ ‘Images’ ‘Are’ ‘Still’ ‘On’ ‘My’ ‘iPhone’

Wild, right?! One 50 Shades of Gray-inspired photo shoot, and voila! You’re the VP of Sales. This is why I always tell people to make sure they’ve backed up their phones. Okay, here’s another personal favorite:

‘I’m’ ‘Already’ ‘A’ ‘Semi’ ‘Famous’ ‘Lifestyle’ ‘Blogger’ ‘So’ ‘Bringing’ ‘Me’ ‘On’ ‘The’ ‘Team’ ‘Fulfills’ ‘Both’ ‘Your’ ‘Personal’ ‘Obsession’ ‘With’ ‘Celebrity’ ‘And’ ‘Your’ ‘Company’s’ ‘Desire’ ‘For’ ‘Free’ ‘Publicity’

Just do your best to be somewhat famous before submitting your application! I rarely see this one used but when I do, it’s a winner. Trust me, the rest of that application is often gibberish, but it really doesn’t matter. Sometimes, the HR team will even create a whole new job for this applicant!

Okay, if you don’t think you’ll be able to fit any of the above into your application, consider trying this shorter code:

‘I’ ‘Never’ ‘Snitched’

Gotta wonder what happened there, huh?!

Listen, I can’t give them all away, but I’m going to tell you about one more. This special word sequence is especially helpful for non-profit institutions:

‘My’ ‘Grandma’ ‘Donated’ ‘Millions’ ‘To’ ‘This’ ‘Non-Profit’ ‘Her’ ‘Name’ ‘Is’ ‘On’ ‘The’ ‘Fucking’ ‘Building’ ‘We’ ‘Both’ ‘Know’ ‘This’ ‘Is’ ‘Just’ ‘A’ ‘Formality’ ‘Judith’

And there you have it! Seven word-sequences that will make sure you stand out. I hope you found these helpful and good luck! You’re definitely going to need it.