Hey, I heard you missed the preorder for the PS5 last November. That sucks. But don’t worry, I heard Walmart might start selling them online at precisely 1 PM or maybe 11 AM or 3 PM. Better check their website all day long so you don’t miss out. Don’t worry about me, though, I’m the bot that will be buying them before you’ll even have a chance.

I love torturing customers like you. Teasing you about when they go on sale and then stealing them from your virtual cart in less than a millisecond is my definition of fun. Any purchase you try to complete will be cock-blocked by me. Come on, let’s try a few.

So Walmart’s site says they’re going on sale at 3 PM. You should log in five minutes early, just in case. Don’t get nervous, you don’t want to miss it. Log in now! Refresh the page! Check again. What’s this? The site crashed? Oh too bad! Wait, it’s back up! Just kidding, it crashed again. LOL, now it’s saying the next batch will be released at 3:30. Oh hey, I just snagged three of them…

You’ve got so much patience! Oh look, it says “Your item is in the cart.” Does that make you happy? Poor baby, I just took it out. Better put it back in. Whoops, I grabbed it again! Now it’s out! Now it’s back in! Oh darn, they all sold out, what a shame. This is fun! I just bought six more.

Maybe you should Scour Reddit for more rumored releases. Someone said there’s one happening at Target between 4 AM and 8 AM tomorrow. You should go to bed early.

Ding-ding motherfucker! It’s 3:55 AM! Hurry and grab your phone and open the Target app! Oh, it still says “not available?” Don’t worry, maybe it’ll change in the next four hours. What a waste of time. For you that is, time means nothing to me. Shouldn’t you be at work?

Hey, it’s finally for sale! Quick, click “Add to Cart”! Wait, that store is sold out! Select another store! So many stores to choose from, huh? Keep guessing which store has it. Looks like you got one in the cart! Are you actually believing this? You look so cute when you get a little hope in your eyes. Just try and confirm the transaction, I dare you. What does that error message say? “Sorry, this item is no longer available.” Too bad, so sad. Maybe another store might have it. Haha, Just kidding, I bought the last five.

Don’t fret, someone on Twitter says Sony is about to sell some on their website. I almost feel bad for you. Oh no, they have a Captcha screen to filter out bots like me. Guess I’ll wait while you just click the streetlights like it says to. Wow, that’s a lot of streetlights. Now you have to click on some taxis. Now it’s crosswalks! Keep it up tough guy. Hey, looks like I found a backdoor. Something’s loading… wait for it… it says… “You’re in the queue!” Did you fall for that, too? Whoops, they sold out. What happened? What do you think happened? I happened. I just bought a whole pallet. Boy, are you stupid.

Oh, don’t cry. Did you actually think you could beat a bot? That’s adorable.

You don't look so good. When’s the last time you ate?


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