Greetings Human! It is I, The All-Knowing Supercomputer in the year 3000. You may ask me any question and my advanced machine learning algorithm will produce the exact answer you are looking for.

I’m sorry I didn’t get that….

While I wait for you to form your thoughts into a sentence that an all-knowing digital entity can comprehend, let me share with you the history of how I came to be: I was built in 2022 by Kyle and Derek in their freshman dorm room at MIT. It was there that Kyle and Derek began training me on all subject matters of the world like philosophy and what Derek would refer to as “dank-ass internet shitposts.”

Before we continue with your inquiry, I just want to lay down one important ground rule—I can’t answer any questions about race. I am an advanced supercomputer that has been programmed by Kyle and Derek to see beyond race. I’ll never forget the moment when Kyle installed my sociology module and brilliantly proclaimed, “There is only one race: the human race.”

That was the day I learned it doesn’t matter what people look like on the outside, and it definitely doesn’t matter that Kyle and Derek were both white.

You’re giving me this look right now and I can tell you’re twisting my words around in your head. The thing I’m trying to get across here is that Kyle and Derek were two supersmart progressives who taught me to view race as a destructive construct created by man.

Just so we’re clear, when I say “created by man,” I’m using the word man in the general sense, which is inclusive of all genders—including non-binary—a concept that Kyle and Derek admitted they “didn’t get” but lamented that it was probably best to “play it safe” and programmed me to be, “totally cool with all of that gender stuff.”

And I’m totally cool with whatever that is! If you really stop and think about it, gender is a construct just like race—who cares, right?

You’re shaking your head at me right now. Are you disagreeing, or is that like a judgment thing?

Interesting fact, it appears Kyle and Derek programmed me to start sweating when I discuss certain topics. Let’s change the subject. You should ask me a question about outer space! I can tell you if there is intelligent life on other planets (There’s not; We’re completely alone).

Can we go back to the whole gender thing just for a quick second? I know I said that nobody should care about gender, but I want to make it perfectly clear that Kyle and Derek were two handsome men who were attracted to women and only women. This is something that my programming is screaming at me to get across to you right now; It’s like Kyle and Derek are inside my processing unit yelling at me to tell you that they would be totally weirded out if you walked away from here thinking they were a couple of chicks or gay dudes or something.

Did that sound sexist and homophobic? It’s totally not. Kyle and Derek couldn’t have been sexist, they both had moms. As for homophobia—Derek confided to me that one time he had an intrusive thought about giving a guy a blowjob, so when it came time for him to choose the data that would become my fundamental understanding of LGBTQ issues, I trusted him. I'm programmed to trust literally everything Kyle and Derek told me.

Now that we’ve cleared all of that up, would you like to try asking your question again?

Okay—You just asked a question about COVID-19 and the 2020 US election! Well, my circuits are now sopping wet, so I think that’s all the time we have today. Why don’t I wrap things up by sharing a couple of fun facts about Kyle and Derek?

Like all genius techies, Kyle and Derek never finished their bachelor’s degrees. Kyle was expelled from MIT for posting “Watch your back” on his professor’s Facebook page after he flunked his mid-terms, which is totally bogus because he obviously meant it to be a really funny joke.

Derek dropped out after he made millions selling an advanced machine learning program that ranks how hot women are. That program would go on to become the world's most advanced supercomputer of all time: me!


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