- Have you been a good boy/girl this year? Please provide examples.
- What toy do you want for Christmas that your ma said no to?
- List the toys/gifts/cash you received from family members other than Auntie Abigail this past year. (Because this auntie can top whatever you got.)
- Who’s your favorite auntie? (In all CAPS, please. 😉)
- Do you prefer your ma’s snowball truffles or Auntie’s homemade gooey fudge-a-licious peppermint patties?
- Want to build a gingerbread skyscraper that will tower over your ma’s itty-bitty gingerbread house?
- What did your ma and pa say in private about the fruitcake I gifted them last Christmas? (Bonus point if you recall what they said about the reindeer sweaters I knitted for them.)
- How would you rate your ma as a mother on a scale of 1-10? (1 is “bad,” and 10 is “good enough.”)
- What does my baby brother, your pa, see in someone like your ma who doesn’t know how to cook and blabs behind everyone’s back?
- What were your ma’s exact words when your pa told her I’d be spending the holidays at your house this year?
- How many explosive fights have your ma and pa had this past year that made you think of the word “divorce?” And did you hear them shout my name?
- Interested in playing spy? Could you set up/hide a spycam in the nativity set on the mantel, perhaps in baby Jesus’s crib?
- Name 10-40 things you dislike about your ma. (Here’s a freebie: She thinks she’s Little Miss Perfect and enjoys poking fun at Auntie’s weight. Use the entire back page if needed.)
- Auntie lost _____ pounds this year. (First correct answer wins a Christmas quilt made from Auntie’s old muumuus.)
- Does your ma take diet pills? Also, does she have any bottles labeled X-A-N-A-X or P-R-O-Z-A-C?
- Can you operate/aim the snow machine at your ma’s face when she sings “Let It Snow” during our family caroling concert?
- Do you want to join the video crew documenting her reaction? (Perks: Credit and copy of my Holiday Highlights DVD that will be distributed to relatives nationwide.)
- Should Auntie Abigail dress up as a curvy elf or Mrs. Claus for the Christmas potluck?
- For a tin of peppermint patties, will you wear an elf costume to the potluck, so it looks like we’re on the same team?
- For the video crew: can you film your mom’s horror when my plus one (her boss) shows up at the potluck?
- Are you excited for the Holiday Highlights screening revealing who’s on Santa’s Nice or Naughty List?
- How many times will you watch the “Who’s been naughty?” part that shows your ma calling her boss a “cheap S.O.B.” for giving everyone $10 Starbucks cards for Christmas?
- R.S.V.P. to the encore Holiday Highlights screening party? (More dates T.B.A.)
- How horrified is your ma going to be when her boss fires her on a scale of 1-10? (1 is “yikes,” 10 is “holy crap.”)
- Should he fire her on the spot? Or wait a few days for her to stew and squirm in her sleep? (Don’t worry, it’s a prank. Next year, though, all bets are off.)
- If Auntie Abigail and your ma got in a fight, who do you think would win?
- Auntie can bench press ___ pounds.
- How many kisses will you give Auntie for Christmas?
- Who wants these peppermint patties I found hidden beneath the folds of my tits? (Just checking before I demolish them like I will your ma at our upcoming Santa Sumo Fight. Video crew: Don’t forget to press record.)
90-100%: Success, receive big-ticket gifts, cash, and an unlimited supply of candies, kisses, and Holiday Highlights DVDs.
< 90%: Fail, hang your head in shame, and fight Auntie Abigail in the sumo ring to regain her respect.
Answers other than “Auntie Abigail” for #4 or #26 are an automatic fail and earns you a spot on Santa’s (and Auntie’s) Naughty List. Plus, you’ll never touch her peppermint patties again.