Holiday Quiz from Your Favorite Auntie Who Is Secretly Plotting against Your Mother

1. Have you been a good boy/girl this year? Please provide examples.
2. What toy do you want for Christmas that your ma said no to?
3. List the toys/gifts/cash you received from family members other than Auntie Abigail this past year. (Because this auntie can top whatever you got.)
4. Who’s your favorite auntie? (In all CAPS, please. 😉)
5. Do you prefer your ma’s snowball truffles or Auntie’s homemade gooey fudge-a-licious peppermint patties?
6. Want to build a gingerbread skyscraper that will tower over your ma’s itty-bitty gingerbread house?
7. What did your ma and pa say in private about the fruitcake I gifted them last Christmas? (Bonus point if you recall what they said about the reindeer sweaters I knitted for them.)
8. How would you rate your ma as a mother on a scale of 1-10? (1 is “bad,” and 10 is “good enough.”)
9. What does my baby brother, your pa, see in someone like your ma who doesn’t know how to cook and blabs behind everyone’s back?
10. What were your ma’s exact words when your pa told her I’d be spending the holidays at your house this year?
11. How many explosive fights have your ma and pa had this past year that made you think of the word “divorce?” And did you hear them shout my name?
12. Interested in playing spy? Could you set up/hide a spycam in the nativity set on the mantel, perhaps in baby Jesus’s crib?
13. Name 10-40 things you dislike about your ma. (Here’s a freebie: She thinks she’s Little Miss Perfect and enjoys poking fun at Auntie’s weight. Use the entire back page if needed.)
14. Auntie lost _____ pounds this year. (First correct answer wins a Christmas quilt made from Auntie’s old muumuus.)
15. Does your ma take diet pills? Also, does she have any bottles labeled X-A-N-A-X or P-R-O-Z-A-C?
16. Can you operate/aim the snow machine at your ma’s face when she sings “Let It Snow” during our family caroling concert?
17. Do you want to join the video crew documenting her reaction? (Perks: Credit and copy of my Holiday Highlights DVD that will be distributed to relatives nationwide.)
18. Should Auntie Abigail dress up as a curvy elf or Mrs. Claus for the Christmas potluck?
19. For a tin of peppermint patties, will you wear an elf costume to the potluck, so it looks like we’re on the same team?
20. For the video crew: can you film your mom’s horror when my plus one (her boss) shows up at the potluck?
21. Are you excited for the Holiday Highlights screening revealing who’s on Santa’s Nice or Naughty List?
22. How many times will you watch the “Who’s been naughty?” part that shows your ma calling her boss a “cheap S.O.B.” for giving everyone $10 Starbucks cards for Christmas?
23. R.S.V.P. to the encore Holiday Highlights screening party? (More dates T.B.A.)
24. How horrified is your ma going to be when her boss fires her on a scale of 1-10? (1 is “yikes,” 10 is “holy crap.”)
25. Should he fire her on the spot? Or wait a few days for her to stew and squirm in her sleep? (Don’t worry, it’s a prank. Next year, though, all bets are off.)
26. If Auntie Abigail and your ma got in a fight, who do you think would win?
27. Auntie can bench press ___ pounds.
28. How many kisses will you give Auntie for Christmas?
29. Who wants these peppermint patties I found hidden beneath the folds of my tits? (Just checking before I demolish them like I will your ma at our upcoming Santa Sumo Fight. Video crew: Don’t forget to press record.)

90-100%: Success, receive big-ticket gifts, cash, and an unlimited supply of candies, kisses, and Holiday Highlights DVDs.

< 90%: Fail, hang your head in shame, and fight Auntie Abigail in the sumo ring to regain her respect.

Answers other than “Auntie Abigail” for #4 or #26 are an automatic fail and earns you a spot on Santa’s (and Auntie’s) Naughty List. Plus, you’ll never touch her peppermint patties again.