Oh wow, your dick is so big. Well, like, bigger than average, for sure.

Actually, I’m not exactly sure what the average is, do you happen to know? I want to be precise. Should I be looking at the global average, or the average for Jewish men? I want it to be a statistically representative group.

Either way, it’s definitely big, probably bigger than both of those averages.

Oh baby, I love your bigger-than-average dick.

There are a lot of confounding factors that could also be causing me to be wet; I don’t know if I have the data to conclude that it’s caused by you.

Can we actually double back on the dick size thing? I’m not sure average is an effective metric to use. What about the median? I mean, the average is not robust to outliers.

What are outlier dick sizes? The bottom limit is probably like one inch right? And the upper limit must max out at like 12. I guess I’d like to see a full distribution of dick sizes before I conclude that the mean is better than the median.

But you know what — I think you’re definitely bigger than the median too. Can you go down on me?

Oh my god, you’ve been really getting me there so fast.

Ah, sorry to backtrack, but I don’t want to say “so fast” when I haven’t actually identified the change point in the trend of how long it takes you to get me there.

For me to do a proper change point detection over the period of the three months we’ve been having intercourse, I’d need to understand whether or not the probability distribution of f(x) = “time (in minutes) for me to get there” has shifted over time. And right now, I don’t have enough data to say for sure that the last few times we hooked up weren’t just isolated incidences. I can look into that later, but either way — good job.

Ahhh yeah, you are the best at doing at that tongue thing you’re doing right now.

Oh, sorry, I hate to do this, but I can’t confidently call you “the best” unless I have a control group of other guys who are strictly worse at doing that exact specific thing you’re doing right now.

Could I bring in some other men to get a more statistically significant sample size? And then could you instruct them on just exactly what you’re doing with your tongue? All subjects must be properly trained if we’re going to have a valid experiment.

Actually, could you teach this technique to all men? I don’t want to become dependent on you. Ah that feels really, really good, keep doing it.

Oh baby, you’re making me so wet right now.

You know what, though? There are a lot of confounding factors that could also be causing me to be wet; I don’t know if I have the data to conclude that it’s caused by you. I didn’t really wipe last time I peed, so that could be part of it. Plus your humidifier is on really high, like this is literally a bikram yoga class. Also you spit down there, which, to be honest, always kind of grosses me out. I mean, I understand that it’s no different from you licking it but there’s something about having you spit in my vagina that just makes me not really feel like a lady, ya know?

Anyway, you can understand how any of these would also be correlated to how wet I am, and so I can’t say for sure that the fact that I’m turned on right now is the main predictive variable – it could really be anything.

But even still — it’s probably you, keep going. Please?