Listen Frank, I feel that I need to address a pernicious rumor going around. You think I’m judging you for the size of your penis, but that is shallow and wrong. I don’t care if your dick is long, short, red, or Catholic; I would never judge someone by their physical characteristics, and if I did, I would target your face first.

Anyway, I’m not like that. I don’t care about the size of your penis at all.

But I do hate you.

I know that you’re self-conscious about the size of your dick, and I understand. After all, it is very, very small, and for this you have my utmost sympathy. I’m not the kind of girl who would ever hold it against a man for having a small penis though, because I know you have no control over it. You didn’t choose to be so poorly-endowed.

You did, however, choose to be an unbearable asshole, and I want to be clear about my contempt for your very existence.

Regardless of dick size, I do hate you.

I think it’s a common misconception that women prefer having sex with men with bigger penises. To me, the size of the dick doesn’t affect the quality of the intercourse whatsoever. If anything, I prefer having sex with men with smaller penises because it’s a conversation starter. I want to be clear: your dick size has never made the sex any worse.

What has made the sex worse, though, is sometimes having to make eye contact with you and then think about how you’re the kind of person who would probably kick a puppy if it got in your way.

So, yeah, I pretty much hate you.

Some say society equates penis-size and masculinity, but I personally don’t think the size of your dick changes how manly you are. I think penis size is very irrelevant for whether or not someone is a man; in fact, some of the manliest people I’ve ever met are women. I don’t think the number of standard deviations below normal your dick size is (2, in your case) changes what kind of man you are. You’re not any less of a man because of your tiny dick, Frank.

But you are the kind of man who recently asked my two best friends if they wanted to have a threesome without me.

So I do, in fact, hate you.