Bonjour, Bonkers!

We've all been there. You've just spent a pleasant couple of hours—well at least as pleasant six and a half minutes—with a lucky lad or lass (or Lassie, if you're really kinky) making the Beast with Two/Three/Four Backs. You're blissed out and ready to either immediately fall into a post-coital coma or mainline Viagra and have another round, when suddenly Alex Boonstra chews through the wrist restraints and hops naked to the nearest police statio…er, I mean, your bed-partner ruins everything by blurting out something that totally kills both your mood and your boner.

So here's a list of things that you should never, ever say whilst horizontal in bed/ vertical and propped up against the refrigerator with someone else, unless you want to go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like…

BAD THINGS TO HEAR IN BED BEFORE, DURING OR AFTER SEX:

  • "No, I'm still not giving you an ‘A'; In fact, now I'm also giving you an ‘F' for sex."
  • "This reminds me of the time I worked in the City Morgue."
  • "Don't look at me! I'll turn to stoooone!"
  • "I didn't know you could get an in-grown penis."
  • " …Mom?"
  • (Anything at all said in Klingon. Or Elvish.)
  • "Your money's on the dresser, next to the crack pipe." (Charlie Sheen only)
  • "I had better sex when I was an altar boy."
  • "…Dad?!"
  • "Shit, the storm's snowed us in… First one to come gets to eat the other one!"
  • "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me… I'd fuck me hard"
  • "No, they aren't crabs…they're Plague Fleas."
  • "…And so the Lion fell in love with the Lamb." (Acceptable for gay couplings)
  • "There… Adamantium shackles; I DARE you to chew through these ones, Boonstra."
  • "Wow! I can't believe we're both about to lose our viriginity at this deserted summer camp in Camp Crystal Lake!"
  • "Okay honey, the Viagra's kicking in." (Hugh Hefner's wife only)
  • "Eh, your brother is better than you."
  • "Eh, my brother is better than you."
  • "This is my inflatable woman, Vicki; I wanted to stay true to her but she insisted on a threesome."
  • "…Of course that strange, pulsating pod was there last night, my dear significant other; Now let us both go to suspicion-free sleep like typical Earth Humans."

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