Bonjour, Bonkers!

We've all been there. You've just spent a pleasant couple of hours—well at least as pleasant six and a half minutes—with a lucky lad or lass (or Lassie, if you're really kinky) making the Beast with Two/Three/Four Backs. You're blissed out and ready to either immediately fall into a post-coital coma or mainline Viagra and have another round, when suddenly Alex Boonstra chews through the wrist restraints and hops naked to the nearest police statio…er, I mean, your bed-partner ruins everything by blurting out something that totally kills both your mood and your boner.

So here's a list of things that you should never, ever say whilst horizontal in bed/ vertical and propped up against the refrigerator with someone else, unless you want to go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like…


  • "No, I'm still not giving you an ‘A'; In fact, now I'm also giving you an ‘F' for sex."
  • "This reminds me of the time I worked in the City Morgue."
  • "Don't look at me! I'll turn to stoooone!"
  • "I didn't know you could get an in-grown penis."
  • " …Mom?"
  • (Anything at all said in Klingon. Or Elvish.)
  • "Your money's on the dresser, next to the crack pipe." (Charlie Sheen only)
  • "I had better sex when I was an altar boy."
  • "…Dad?!"
  • "Shit, the storm's snowed us in… First one to come gets to eat the other one!"
  • "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me… I'd fuck me hard"
  • "No, they aren't crabs…they're Plague Fleas."
  • "…And so the Lion fell in love with the Lamb." (Acceptable for gay couplings)
  • "There… Adamantium shackles; I DARE you to chew through these ones, Boonstra."
  • "Wow! I can't believe we're both about to lose our viriginity at this deserted summer camp in Camp Crystal Lake!"
  • "Okay honey, the Viagra's kicking in." (Hugh Hefner's wife only)
  • "Eh, your brother is better than you."
  • "Eh, my brother is better than you."
  • "This is my inflatable woman, Vicki; I wanted to stay true to her but she insisted on a threesome."
  • "…Of course that strange, pulsating pod was there last night, my dear significant other; Now let us both go to suspicion-free sleep like typical Earth Humans."