Got a job as a Mall Santa this year? Sick of the little brats giving you lists with endless Twilight or Disney merchandise, or smart-ass parents calling you "one of Santa's Helper's," or joshing "You'll shoot your eye out, kid?!" Try using one of these handy phrases to put the fear of Kris Kringle back into them faster than you can get down a chimney.

Naughty… Or Nice: Santa's List of Catch-All Phrases:

Evil Santa Claus grin

  • "No, you can't have one of those; all the profits are funneled to the Zionist World Government."
  • "I swear to God, kid, you wet your pants in my lap and I'll get Rudolph to shit in your mouth while you sleep."
  • "You haven't really been good; Santa's been watching you. Santa's ALWAYS watching you…."
  • "Quit squirming, kid! The only thing Santa's getting for you is some Ritalin."
  • (pointing to little person helper) "They're not really elves you know; I just steal the long bones of the kids who don't leave me out enough milk and cookies."
  • "…I mean it… I was watching you the other day; I saw what you did in the bathroom. And I know ALL about those magazines."
  • "You know, I'm outside the jurisdiction of the Federal Narcotics Enforcement Act."
  • "You want a  pony? Oh yeah, I ate one of those once; tasted just like venison."
  • "If you pull on my beard one more time, you'll be MY present to the guys from NAMBLA."
  • "Santa, Satan; it's basically the same thing. Now sign the fucking contract and you can have whatever you want."