Ni hao, gong hei fat choy! Hi, I’m a small, tiny, little Asian girl and if you’re not careful, you might step on me. Please don’t step on me! Psst, I’m not actually Chinese but as Chinese is the official language of all of Asia and since being Asian means I’m Chinese, I see you are quite cultured, sir.

I’m cultured, too, and very smart and went to Harvard. But you already knew that—I’m sorry, so sorry, so very very sorry for bragging. Many apologies. I am bowing to you repeatedly to express my many apologies. I am bowing so much I have curled into a ball and must roll away before you accidentally step on me. Wheeeeeeee.

I’m back! And I got these lilies for you! You’re welcome! Why, thank you, yes I am very so sweet and polite, thank you for noticing. And also, the flowers are because I accidentally ran over both of your dogs. Troi oi! I don’t know what was I thinking to practice the violin while driving! The only time I stop being smart smart is when I get behind the wheel. Weird!

Truth is, I’m not sure it was the violin that ultimately caused the little mishap, because while playing the violin while driving, I was also performing complex maths to calculate the precise moment when racial stupidity might plateau and begin a true downward slope and I was so absorbed in the calculations—?t = ??((dt/d?)^2 – 1/c^2[(dx/d?)^2 + (dy/d?)^2 + (dz/d?)^2])d? = 3 lunar new years EUREKA! THE FORMULA!—and I think that was when I accidentally hit Scoobie followed by Doobie. My violin also suffered some damage from the impact. Anyway, I hope you don’t mind that I picked these condolence lilies from your yard because I'm just a little teeny tiny cheap Asian girl, oopsies.

By the way, is your wife home? She a nice lady and totemo kirei! Can you ask her if she wants to come over later and I do her nails so pretty? Special neighbor discount, only $200. Cash only. I major in Nail Design at Harvard, specializing in gel and acrylic and can show her some tricks of the trade. I’ll even let her practice on the toenails of my small cute dainty feet! She’ll love that! All right, later! F??s cos ? = ?i?{0,1,2, 5 GPAs} – 1 GPA = 4.0 GPAs if and only if i?(??/?t) = (??^2/2m)*(?^2?/?x^2) + V? = E2 = p2c2 + m2c4 while mc^2 = undefined ? 1+1 = undefined = mc?T

BWOOONGGGG-GG-GG-GGGG

Ooh the door-gong! Who that could be!

WHO IT IS? Oh Stacey Eleanor Chadwick, come in, come in! It’s been so long! [Bows thrice.] Oh Stacey, you are too kind, thank you for commenting on how slim and petite and tiny and minuscule my Asian frame is. Oh nooo, not at all, do not say that about yourself, it’s not you, it’s me! It’s only because you’re standing next to ME that you feel like a clumsy cow, Stacey, on account of my being a demure nymph-slash-porn star. Come have a seat at my nail bar—I’ll make you feel ichiban again with fierce, fab nails! And I’ll let you in on a little secret, girlfriend. The way I keep my hair so long and shiny and maintain my trim figure is by eating only free-range, like stray or unleashed, cats and dogs and wild salmon rich in omega-3 fatty acids—very healthy. It’s the pes-cat-dog-arian diet and Asians have been on it forever. Mmm, me so hungry, me eat dog long time!

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