John Adams: Mr. President, we got word that a stage coach was captured by terrorists on its way to New York, 5 days ago.
George Washington: 5 days ago? Why would I care about something that happened 5 days ago?
John Adams: Well, because we have to use telegraphs and telegrams, you asshole. It takes a couple of days to get up to date information.
George Washington: So, how does this affect me?
John Adams: Well, you are the president, so, it's kind of your thing. Plus, Martha is on that coach.
George Washington: Mother fuckers. We know who did this? Indians, the Russians?
John Adams: …Uh, it's the British, sir. Why would the Russians do this? Have they done anything relevant in this time period?
George Washington: Shut the fuck up! My wife is in danger. I'm not thinking straight.
John Adams: Yeah, I can tell. Sir, we need a course of action. Are you going to do anything?
George Washington: This explains a lot. She hasn't cooked me dinner in like, yeah 5 days.
John Adams: Jesus Christ, will you do something?
George Washington: Alright, follow me, John. I have to show you something.
John Adams: You're not going to pull your penis out again, are you?
George Washington: I was drunk, will you drop it? It was like 3 years ago. I was excited about becoming president, and they kept giving me wine. So drop it. We need to go to the basement.
John Adams: …We have a basement?
George Washington: Yeah, we keep national secrets down there. We need to consult the crystal ball.
John Adams: Okay, you're just going to show me your penis again. I'm leaving.
George Washington: Damnit, Adams, this is serious.
John Adams: So, what does this magic crystal do?
George Washington: Well, if you didn't sound like a pretentious asshole, I'd tell you.
John Adams: Okay, I'm sorry.
George Washington: Good. Basically, it tells me what to do, since I have no fucking clue what's going on ever, you know, I don't have any examples to follow. So I come down here, ask the ball, and it tells me what to do.
John Adams: Seriously? That's what you do? Let me guess, this is how you won the war?
George Washington: Pretty much.
John Adams: Well, fuck me, right? So where did you get this ball?
"Adams, have I shown you my bronze balls? They're strictly for economic policy-making." George Washington: I traded a slave his freedom for it.
John Adams: Right…let's just get this over with.
George Washington: Okay, we're here. You need to go first. Only one person can go down the steps at a time, yell to me when you get to the bottom.
John Adams: Okay. Man these steps are terrible. Okay, I'm at the bottom. Why is there no door? Hey, George, there isn't any door…. You mother fucker!
George Washington: Haha, look at the penis. Bask in its glory. It won the war for us!
John Adams: I am sick of this shit, fuck you George!
George Washington: It never gets old! You believed I had a crystal ball? Adams, you are such a tool. That's why I am the president.
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