The makers of Old Spice recently decided to play a little shell game with one of their popular products. For a long time, the newly revamped brand carried a "soft solid" deodorant/antiperspirant stick that worked—for myself and thousands upon thousands of men—better than any other deodorant had ever before. And at an average price of about $4, it was a great bargain. I was happy as could be, not even having to think twice about my deodorant purchases! I guess I was just naive.
But those were the good ole days, because not too long ago, as if to give all of us apparently sheepish anti-sweat stick buyers the middle finger, Old Spice decided it was working too well. Yup. It was doing its job far too efficiently. An odd conclusion to reach for a company that manufactures solutions to problems.
So what did they do? They created a "Pro+Strength" series using EXACTLY THE SAME FORMULA as the original "Soft Solid." That in itself isn't too crazy; it worked, it was cheap enough, and I don't mind using a product billing itself as "professional," not one bit. So what's the problem? Old Spice cut the size of its now pro level stick in HALF. Okaay, I guess I can live with that… but wait, HOLD ON… the price point has now jumped to over 11 fucking dollars? Are you kidding me?! I typically don't like to swear, especially on paper (not true), but fuck my fucking fuck that's insane! And they didn't change one goddamn thing inside the tube; it's the same deodorant as before!
I loved watching the Old Spice Guy as much as the next dude, but is it worth screwing people out of $11?I'm not a stickler for pennies, but raise the price of a product almost three times and cut its size in half? That takes balls of steel. Which I guess is why they haven't come up with a product to eliminate balls sweat yet. Wait…I take that back. I use a product called FreshBalls that eliminates swass like a champ! So well, in fact, the makers of this lotion-to-powder godsend recently REDUCED the cost of their product line. Imagine that for a moment… not following ancient business methods of yesteryear and instead increasing your customer base by making it easier to obtain your product. That'll never work!
So how could a brand like Old Spice pull a switch-a-roo like this and think nobody would notice? I sure did. And I guarantee plenty of other people also noticed that the stick they used to buy is now conveniently small enough to shove up their ass without much discomfort. It's "practical joke small" for that price. It looks like Mike Teavee was holding onto a stick when he was photographed and split into millions of tiny pieces and went whizzing through the air, back to his TV set, much smaller than before. Also, I would be careless if I didn't mention that the replacement product for the $4 stick (the one that's still $4) now has a much weaker formula that leaves me with sweaty pits mere minutes after application. Yeah, I'm a bigger guy, but fuck me running if I don't think they put something in it to make me sweat, just to buy more Old Spice… or upgrade to the "Pro" edition.
Why the need to fuck my blissfully dry pitted world so much!? Did they pay that asshole THAT much cheddar for those commercials? I loved watching the Old Spice Guy as much as the next dude, but is it worth screwing people out of $11? Besides, he wasn't even that good at football! He played in Europe, made a few NFL practice squads, and that was it. Mad respect for practice squad players, taking a beating for little to no public glory, but I ain't buyin' $11 deodorant from ya. Aspirin maybe…but not deodorant.
I did a bit of research and found out that Proctor & Gamble, the parent company of Old Spice, has done even more shady shit recently. First, they pulled the same Old Spice move on their two other deodorant brands: Gillette and Secret. And earlier this year in Europe, they were convicted of getting in bed with Unilever to fix the prices of laundry detergent. They were fined a combined $456 million, but continue to do business as usual, which, apparently, is sleeping with each other, being fined a fraction of what they made while doing so, and somehow fucking you over in the process. The American Dream.
But it's probably just these two corporations being dishonest, right? Of course not! Remember how well Alka-Seltzer used to work? Their parent company Bayer did the same thing a few years back. Alka-Seltzer was working so well and getting people to feel better in such a short time period that they took the original formula off the shelf and replaced it with a milder version of the bubbly delight. Their reasoning? If we fix your tummy ache too fast, people won't need to buy more medicine. So fuck it, keep ‘em sick! Still tastes like shit. Don't worry, though, you can still fake a seizure using the new and improved Alka-Seltzer with the same foamy-mouthed results. Just don't do it on an airplane; they frown upon practical jokes.
The list of shady shit things done by large corporations is probably as long as the list of Hispanic workers the board members of these companies fire every year before Christmas. But still, large corporations pull this type of shit daily, and we just have to bend over and take it, right? I for one don't have the time, resources, or the first clue how to stop it. So I guess I'll settle for writing this in the hopes I get a package in the mail filled with a supply of free deodorant…ya know, for all the angry sweating I've done thus far. A boy can only hope.