If you're receiving this email, we've corresponded in some way during the past couple of years, perhaps during my time as the number two of the Asheville mob, and you’re trying to reach me again. Unfortunately, due to recent events, I will be retiring this email for a new one that matches my new identity, an identity which I am forming without federal aid of any kind.
Let me be clear. I am not going into Witness Protection. I am going into hiding. So, if any of you see me in Clearwater, Florida, in the next couple of years, it is either 1) not me or 2) me, boldly hiding from the United States government. Either way, do not approach me or say anything that could incriminate me in other crimes, especially new ones. Instead, please mention your mob connections to either of my 100% real next-door neighbors, the Jacksons or the Jacksons (no relation).
I’d like to say, for the record, that I did not squeal on anybody. I would never and could never. I know for a fact that it was well-known mob-gossip Tony “Tight Lips” Mancussi along with power broker Franky “The Fall Guy” Richardson. I saw them squeal with my very eyes while I too was at the police station for separate reasons and will testify to it in court… but not in a way that would involve squealing on anyone. I, Ronny “The Rat,” would never do that!
Now, for those of you who were in the courtroom during the trial, you know, for a fact, that the feds didn’t get me to talk. They just got me to point, which is very different. And I know I pointed at the don, and all of our drug stash houses on a map, as well as all the jurors we’d bribed to rig the trial, but I never said a word!
I can’t reveal my current location, but, depending on the nature of your communication, you may be able to reach me through the following means. Be aware, it may take me a while to get back to you. I’m currently very busy ghostwriting a tell-all book about myself and my undying loyalty to the mob entitled Snitches Get Riches: The Ron Blabberton Story.
If you’re reaching out with more information that might be valuable to the federal government, particularly the kind of information that could equate to a house with a pool, please send it to [email protected]. That’s where it will be safest. And, honestly, the sooner the better, I need that bad boy by summertime.
If you’re a grieving family member of someone I killed during my time with the mob, thank you for thinking of me. I know I escaped justice, and that swearing revenge can be very tempting, so why not take the personal touch of doing it over the phone? Please call me at 911-4135. Even if it doesn’t sound like me when I pick up, remember to clearly announce your name, your criminal intent, and (this is the most important part) stay on the line for at least 94 seconds. I’ll be over ASAP.
And, most importantly, if you’re any of my partners in current “endeavors,” please ignore everything you’ve read so far. I’d really appreciate it. Also, what did I say about how you can leave “paper trails” even over the internet? Let’s not make the same mistakes as last time. Clearwater deserves a better class of criminal. Not that I myself am currently engaged in criminal endeavors, but if I am, I already have five people I’d love to rat out—especially after a relaxing game of Sharks and Minnows.
Citizen, Business Owner, and Absolutely Nothing Else Since Three Weeks Ago
451 N Garden Ave, Clearwater, FL 33755