For Hire: Competent Shoes, Never Filled
An owl swooped in through my window last night during the middle of a fevered dream. It whispered into my ears about the innocence I lost in high school, and that time you told a colleague how you don’t get jazz. You’re fired.
George R. R. Martin
It’s come to my attention that since I began drafting this email six years ago, you’ve received a couple of promotions and an inconceivable number of notices for showing up late to morning meetings. I’m afraid my hands are tied in cases of unpunctuality, as I direct you to Article 13.6 of your contra—wait, is that another New York Jets game I see on the telly?
My analysis of our annual budget has brought a troubling matter to my attention: all of you are on welfare. Suffice to say, this is against the company’s ethos. How can I operate in a world where my employees benefit from the measures put in place by the government? I can't commit in good faith to running an organization where my peers fall back on basic support systems as a countermeasure to the economic disbalance I contribute to in the name of a mythical free market.
I’m not firing you. Instead, I am migrating to a secret location—legally categorized as a beach house—as I try to reconstruct society around those who are truly productive, unlike you with your family of four to take care of.
I just realized it would be pretty neat to lay you off. I want to see if this revelation helps the company develop in a manner that’s captivating for our stakeholders. I’m afraid I cannot offer any words of consolation, since I don't even have a plan in place for the future of this company yet. Here’s to hoping I find a satisfactory conclusion to this entire saga, and you a new job.
This email is to let you know that you’ve been retrospectively fired on August 23, 2019. Such an announcement might be coming as a surprise to you, but let me reassure you that I had this figured out all along.
I sat there with you
Watching your pitch to
A client of repute
Your nervousness was acute
You fumbled and tumbled
Through your index cards
The company’s CEO grumbled
As you lost your smarts
I watched their account go
Then realized you aren’t even a diversity hire
Henceforth, consider yourself fired.