Justin Timberlake has just been cast in a new movie called The Social Network, a look at the invention and rise of Facebook. The problem is, it's a little early to pen the history of something that's only 10 years old.

Take the movie Ray for instance. Ray would have fucking sucked if it ended with Ray Charles at 10 years old. I suppose one could contend that it would be less gruesome than the 26 hours they spent watching the full-life version, but the point remains, telling the story of something before there is a story, is probably going to make for shitty story-telling.

Justin Timberlake and Jesse Eisenberg
Justin Timberlake stars as Napster co-founder Sean Parker, and Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg. "Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is a man!"
VH1 was guilty of this with their Behind the Music series. They started with established rock icons like Aerosmith and Black Sabbath and then by the end of their run, they were doing shows on Creed and Smash Mouth. At this point as a comedian I am supposed to give you an unconventional example of extreme scope and magnitude, this contrast brings irony and humor to the thesis. For example "Why don't they just do a Behind the Music on "______!" But the funniest and most eccentric example to fill the blank is Creed and Smash Mouth! That is the absolutely crazy scenario, and VH1 fucking did it. Bravo.

The Creed episode was exceptionally fantastic because they recapped the undivided and illustrious 15-minute history of the band. At the end, Scott Stapp, lead singer of Creed, had learned his lessons about drugs and alcohol. He was back with his one true love, his wife. They had weathered the storm (cue shitty Creed ballad).

The only time I hear about Creed now is when Scott Stapp is shit-can hammered making porn or throwing up on the stage of some half-empty theater at Great America. Or getting his ass beat at a State Faire after getting booed off a stage fashioned out of the bed of an 18-wheeler. He's a beer-fat, human fucking wasteland of never-ending anguish and misery. Where the fuck are you now, Behind the Music! This is the shit I've been waiting for after the commercial break!

There was also a movie called Pirates of Silicon Valley about Steve Jobs (Apple founder) and Bill Gates (Microsoft founder). At the end of that movie Steve Jobs' precious Apple had fallen to the Evil Empire: Microsoft. Bill Gates is king of the world. Hurray for Windows 98!

What they failed to realize is while these assholes were in post-production on their movie about the death of Apple, somewhere in Burbank, Steve Jobs got pissed that his Discman was skipping and scribbled some ideas on a napkin. He just figured out how to do it better and that would be a game changer. Movie hadn't been screened yet and it was already outdated. Hurray Windows 98?

After that, the movie was buried by the studio and went straight to cable.

Imagine if they would have made a movie about MySpace, two years ago. How dated would that have been 24 months later? If they make a MySpace movie it should be called "24 Months Later" because MySpace today is just a zombie wasteland of old, abandoned accounts and a bunch of lifeless pornbot drones still auto-friend requesting from their place of origin in Ukraine. Their Russian masters evidently didn't read the writings on the wall: "Human beings no longer inhabit these dusty URLs and dark cobweb filled pages. The End is Extremely Fucking Nigh."

But me bitching isn't going to make the Facebook movie go away. I just hope they leave the conclusion open-ended just in case Facebook gets fat and ugly and dies of alcohol poisoning. Hurray Windows 98!

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Why read the ‘Book when you can watch the movie?


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