For Hormonal Acne

1 avocado, mashed
1 tsp. lemon juice
½ tsp. turmeric

Say goodbye to those painful breakouts that come around once a month! I mean, do you really need the whole world to know your cycle by your cystic acne flare-ups? No way! Just like you didn’t need Claire Zabicky to secretly unwrap your tampons on the bus to school and tie them to the zipper of your backpack, like a bundle of cotton keychains. All day long, everyone laughed and laughed but no one would tell you why—only your mom when you finally got home from school, and she laughed the hardest out of everyone. Apply this mask for 10 minutes each night during menstruation.


For Puffy Eyes

½ cup Greek yogurt
1 tbsp. fresh pomegranate juice
3 oz. vodka

Unpack those under-eye bags for good with this antioxidant combo! It’s the perfect antidote to those up-all-night crying marathons, like the one you had after Claire Zabicky told the whole boys soccer team that you shave your big toes. If only you knew about this soothing remedy (and laser hair removal) back in high school. Then maybe you wouldn’t have spent junior prom hiding in your locker, praying for a cell signal so you could call your mom to pick you up. Blend the pomegranate juice with the yogurt, then apply it to the skin under your eyes (not too close!). Pour the vodka into a glass and drink it.


For Dry Skin

1 tbsp. almond milk
½ cup egg white
1 bottle organic honey

Healing dry skin takes time, so let this mask sit for 30 minutes. Pass the time by contemplating why everyone else’s bully peaked in high school but yours is now an Instagram celebrity with followers ranging from Rihanna to your mom. Flip the cap off the honey and eat it straight from the bear while scrolling through Claire Zabicky’s Instagram feed. Repeat every night until your skin takes on a dewy glow, then call your therapist to ask if she can push up your appointment again.


For Oily Skin

½ cup cooked oatmeal
½ tsp. apple cider vinegar
1 pinch turmeric

This clarifying treatment will take you back to a time when your self-esteem was still intact and you had no idea that your gums were “weirdly crooked”—a time when you didn’t even know the name Claire Zabicky. Massage this mixture into your skin while thinking about last week’s phone call with your mom, when she sighed and said, “Claire had a point. Dr. Green always said you brushed too hard, but you didn’t want to hear it.” Rinse off the mask after five minutes or just let your tears wash it away.


For Dull Skin

¼ cup chia seeds, soaked
½ tsp. cocoa powder
1 tbsp. mineral water

This exfoliating formula will brighten up your complexion in no time, but what’s the point? Nothing can make up for the internal light that was extinguished by Claire Zabicky. During your darkest times, leave this mask on for 15 minutes and try to remember what your therapist said: “Claire may be the flesh and blood embodiment of Satan, but she’s still your little sister.”


For Revenge

1 bag of Doritos
2 handfuls of Dove chocolate
1 bottle of Barefoot Pink Moscato

Grab your phone, crack open the bottle of Barefoot, and get comfy on the couch. It’ll only take about 10 minutes to figure out that Claire’s Instagram password is “Beautiful!” Polish off the Doritos and chocolates as you spam her account with dozens of your own drunken selfies. Most of Claire’s followers will drop off immediately—including your mom. That’s to be expected. What you won’t expect is the comment from Rihanna, mistaking you for your sister: “Skin looks good, ur glowing!”

And it does look good, doesn’t it? Must be all the face masks!

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