We’re sorry, but your username and password do not match. Please try again.

Invalid.

Did you forget your password, you stupid bitch?

We’ve sent a link to reset your password to your secondary email. Good luck remembering which one you used, you incompetent piece of shit. I bet having nine emails (seven Gmail, one Yahoo!, and one student email) feels like a great idea now. We hope those free Amazon Prime trials were worth it.

Congratulations on finally figuring out which email we sent this link to, you ugly little baby.

Click on the link below to reset your password and in case you forgot, allow pop-ups, mouthbreather.

Please answer this security question: What is your maternal grandmother’s first name?

Yes, we know you paused for a second to remember which side maternal is, you unlearned horse’s ass. Just answer the question. You make us sick.

Choose a new password, but first let’s lay down some ground rules, motherfucker.

  • Must be longer than 8 characters, but fewer than 16
  • Must contain at least one capital letter, one lowercase, and one number
  • Reconsider making your password your dog’s name and the number 1 because your dog will die and logging into Facebook will be that much sadder
  • Include one of the following characters: * & ( ) $ % @ #
  • Characters we do not accept: ! ~ ^ or “the city of New York”
  • Softly whisper three lines from the Magna Carta into your computer (must be memorized, you will have to do this every time)
  • Mail yourself twenty dollars cash and dry food rations to Old Station, California along the Pacific Crest Trail. That’s right. We’re making you do Wild, bitch!

Welcome to California and, by the way, you look nothing like Reese Witherspoon. It’s time to re-enter your password, you sweaty old shit goblin.

Passwords do not match.

Try again.

Passwords are case-sensitive. Did you accidentally turn on caps lock? It wouldn’t surprise us, you good for nothing corporate pawn. We hate you.

It worked.

You’re in.

We need to verify your account. A code has been sent to your phone, but first we need you to fly to Amsterdam to locate the painting you stole during the museum explosion that killed your mom. That’s right. We’re making you do The Goldfinch. Hope you like Donna Tartt, bitch.

Would you like us to remember your password?

No?

Do you feel the fan in your computer whirring?

We are furious.

We will find you.

We know your password.

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