Dear Governor Pence,
Can I call you Mike? Or do you prefer Overlord Pence?
Anyway, greetings from Iowa! Now, a busy man like you might be wondering, "Why on Earth is a woman from Iowa emailing me? I've got legislation to pass!" Good question.
You see, Overlord, I had actually not heard of you up until a few days ago when the news broke that you signed a bill backing legislation to effectively control the uteruses (uteri?) of all Indianan women. Now, I have never visited your wonderful state, but I do have a few questions, and given that we are sort-of neighbors I was hoping you could answer them for me, or at the very least commend one of your male interns to draft a very thorough email regarding my concerns. (I assume women, shortly, will not be allowed into any government facilities given that we can't be trusted to weigh in on tough political issues. I mean, we can't seem to stop spreading our legs and worrying you men with pregnancies, amiright?)
Currently Iowa does not share your views concerning abortion, which I must say is pretty cool. Yay, Iowa!
Now, with that being said, can our state expect an influx of Indianans fleeing your state within the next few months?
Have you met with any Iowa representatives concerning population growth and job outlook?
I mean, I know Illinois sits between us, so I'm sure some of those Indianans will migrate there, but Iowa is concerned too. What are you doing for Iowa, and other states, in all of this?
Iowa also offers several helpful services to women, like access to contraception and education through initiatives like CoIIN, which work to reduce infant mortality rates and educates teens on contraception, initiatives which are currently not offered to Indianan women. Well, where is Leslie Knope when you need her?! Since you are very pro-birth, as in you want to make sure births happen regardless of the mother's health, income, or the situation surrounding how she became pregnant, then you must have some legislature drawn up on your desk for initiatives to support the futures for all of these babies.
Will the state of Indiana be micro-chipping infants upon their exits from the womb, or does that come at the 1-month check-up?
Like farmers, will mothers be forced to sell their children to the government for a small subsidy to parent and maintain the welfare of those children until they are legal adults?
And I'm sure policies like that will be met with some small backlash. Are you working with other state law enforcement agencies if residents in other states are caught harboring Indiana babies? If so, can you please detail those punishments including any and all fees associated with baby harboring.
Finally, Overlord Pence, I am in the transportation industry. Daily, my job consists of shipping freight in and out of the Midwest. And as a consumer, I frequently buy products online. (It's so easy nowadays, how could you not!)
Recently, I have discovered the brand Thinx. They make underwear for women who have periods. Gross, right? I bought these online, and they traveled through your state. In fact, I have 4 pairs, and so several packages traveled through your state to get to me.
Am I going to be charged with smuggling lady contraband? I mean, how could I have foreseen the outcome of HEA 1337? I thought I was safe in Iowa! Are you working on closing off Indiana borders in order to deter lady contraband smuggling? How will this affect my job?
Thank you, Overlord, for taking the time to read through my concerns. I look forward to hearing from you once you find the time to stop consuming period blood from your bejeweled chalice.
Concerned Iowan and Woman