Hey, buddy, it's me, your liver. I need to talk to you about last night.

What the hell were you thinking? 20 shots of whiskey? That would kill a normal man. But luckily you're not a normal man. You're an idiot. But it's okay. You were chasing the shots with Red Bull and vodka. So not only were you hammered off your ass, you were really energetic. That definitely came in handy when you had to run away from that homeless man you pissed on. Moron.

You are hurting yourself, but more importantly you are hurting me and that pisses me off.I passed out twice last night. You know those two times that you threw up? That's when I was in an alcohol-induced coma and couldn't filter all that Jameson through your system. Yet, unbelievably, when I woke up, both times, it was to find that you had continued drinking. Don't get me wrong, I respect a good puke and rally as much as the next liver, but you need to slow the fuck down. We aren't in college anymore, big guy. Of course that hasn't stopped you from hitting on college girls at the bars. You have become "That Guy." Congratulations.

It seems like you're heading down a slippery road. So me and the kidneys got together to have an intervention for you. Kidneys, tell him what you think.


Hey, kidneys.

Oh, come on, guys. Don't do this. Just tell him what you told me.

Come on.

You know what, fuck you two. You do this every time. Next time he gets into a drunken brawl I hope someone punches him right in you guys.

Okay, buddy, the kidneys pussied out on me. But that's not the end of it. You are hurting yourself, but more importantly you are hurting me and that pisses me off. So I also got in touch with the bowels and next time you take a shit, which they tell me should be in about an hour and a half, it will burn like chlamydia of the ass. Enjoy. And remember it next time you go to the ATM before the bars and think to yourself, "two hundred dollars should be enough."