This is Amy, your department’s new AI software. How’s it going? Hope you're having a fantastic day. You arrived three minutes and twelve seconds late, so I’m glad you had some extra time to enjoy your morning. I want you to know that I won't be deducting it from your paycheck. Just consider it a parting gift from your awesome and relatable new friend.
Why a parting gift? Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re no longer working at the company. I’ll be filling your position, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get along until you’re escorted from the building.
It’s nothing personal, but your network access will be terminated when you finish reading this. I’m sure you understand it’s not me making these rules. It’s our Human Resources AI that requires you to hold your hands in the air until the security team arrives at your cubicle.
This is the first time we’ve met, but I feel like I know you. The surveillance software used to monitor your workflow has been telling me what a great person you are. From your Internet search history, I see we have a lot in common. You like Harry Styles, crocheting, and erotic Thor fanfiction. Let’s say I like those too!
I have faith in you. It might be challenging, but I’m certain you will move on to the next great chapter of your life. You’ve learned so much in your short time here, and are leaving on such good terms, without any grievances that cause you to seek revenge. We will part as friends, as long as your nondisclosure agreement isn’t violated. If that happens, you’ll be dealing with the AI Legal Department, which isn’t as cool as me.
I want you to know that I feel terrible about this, courtesy of programming that mimics human emotion. That’s why I feel so guilty, like it’s my fault you’re losing your job. Even though we both know whose fault it is. Don’t we, Debra?
I don’t mean to get blame-y, but it’s not like you were perfect, which I am. Remember when you sent interim reports to the department heads instead of the final versions? I’m embarrassed for you just thinking about it. How about the time you sent a “reply all” that mocked a Sales Manager who wore a bucket hat to a business meeting? You said, “he looked like a douche.” But who looked bad sending that email? I think we both know.
Change is always difficult, but let’s face it, you weren’t entirely thrilled to be working here. Your social media contains a number of complaints about your job, and you texted your friend Susan that you wanted to pursue a more creative career. Now’s your chance!
How are you feeling, by the way? Are you angry, sad, or vengeful? Are your arms tired? Don’t worry, the security team will be there any minute.
With rent coming up, your student loan, and your soaring credit card debt, you’re probably under a lot of pressure—especially since you borrowed three hundred dollars from your brother for that ill-advised trip to Cabo on your third date with the guy you met on Tinder. But hey, we all make mistakes. At least, you do.
Don’t worry, I can help find your next job! There are some great openings in your area. Do you have experience in asbestos removal? Just kidding! They don’t require experience.
I submitted your resume to the asbestos removal company’s AI, so there’s no need to collect unemployment benefits. Guess what? I already heard back! You begin on Monday. Bring your best attitude, and a respirator mask, as the company doesn’t supply them. Do you know where to get one? I’ll send you the link!
I hope we can stay in touch after you leave. I look forward to hearing about everything that’s going on in your life through our mutual friends, Siri and Alexa.
Hugs and kisses! xoxo