With crisp autumn upon us and the jolly holidays right around the corner, we at Coffee Mate are thrilled to announce a new line of seasonal offerings for 2020. Complimenting returning favorites like Pumpkin Spice and Eggnog, we have introduced nine new varieties tailor-made for our times. We trust that every consumer who braves the one-way signs of a capacity-reduced grocery store during this unprecedented pandemic will find something to love within this delightful new array!
Missed-a-Step Banana Bread
Put the “pan” in pandemic with the nutty, fruity goodness of warm banana bread—with a twist. Maybe it was the butter or maybe it was one of the two egg whites, but this sweet bread is definitely lacking something. Was it the vanilla? The nutmeg? As with your own misbegotten quarantine recipes, the missing ingredient is anyone’s guess with this fun new offering.
PB & J & OMFG!
Kids still in remote schooling? Oh, that’s fun! And this playful taste will bring to mind all those oozy sandwiches that you’ve half-assed your way through during Zoom breaks. Each bottle is a sloppy delight, sometimes with more peanut butter and sometimes more jelly. Occasionally there are some potato chip crumbs or some lint from a robe. But always with a newfound appreciation for cafeteria workers worldwide.
Minty Mask
A light treat with undernotes of chemically treated paper, this fresh addition will remind you of crisp days enjoying that sad little peppermint you managed to slip under your now-omnipresent accessory in order to give you even the tiniest taste of joy. This sure-to-be crowd pleaser (socially distanced, natch) is one part effervescent and one part mindful suffocation, all mixed together in one unvaccinated package!
Takeout Bag
It’s a hearty melange of flavors resembling the to-go orders that have marked this indoor dining-deprived stage of life. Maybe it’s Chinese, or maybe it’s pizza. Hell, maybe it’s both. Is it both? Who knows? Whatever the case, we top it all off with the unrefined taste of a stack of thin napkins, the plasticky goodness of the flimsiest forks with which you’ve ever tried to stab a cucumber, and a small sprinkle of individually packaged Parmesan cheese. (Tipping not necessary!)
Trick
With Halloween canceled in much of the nation, this unusual new flavor will introduce treat-lovers to the other half of that ever-popular All Hallow’s Eve chant. What’s it taste like? Well, uhm, just imagine those wax vampire fangs you always tossed out as a kid and you’re basically there. Maybe with a bag of pennies thrown in? Honestly, I don’t really remember. They made me try it once, and I was all like, “smell my feet and give me something good to eat, boo.” But maybe you’ll like it?
Cranberry “Sauced”
Thanksgiving won’t look the same this year—but we can make it taste familiar! One half of this flavor evokes the popular turkey side dish that your Aunt Celia brings to the table every year, and the other half resembles the Casamigos you bring to cope with Aunt Celia’s horrible politics. Sure to pair beautifully with the breakfast Hot Pocket you’ll glumly scarf down while watching a dystopian Macy’s parade make its way through an eerily crowdless Manhattan. Gobble, gobble!
Rudolph Droppings
2020 took a dump on you, eh? Well now let Santa’s most famous red-noser drop his own deuce down your chute. We’re all on the naughty list together with this one. (Relax, I think it’s really dark chocolate, though honestly, it could be dung. Our research department was mostly furloughed, and frankly, my hours were cut too much for me to give much of a shit either).
Coal
It’s coal. In a bottle. Ho, ho, ho!
Champagne & Ennui
“May auld acquaintance be forg–”
Oh fuck it. This one is straight goddamn champagne. Pour it in your coffee. Drink it right out of the bottle. Use it as an enema and wash away 2020 from the inside, for all I care. This year, when the ball drops, we’ll all wait for the other shoe to do so as well. Hope? What the ever-loving hell is hope? We tried that last New Year’s Eve. This year we gettin’ sloppy up in this bitch.
Aren’t these just so festive? Well, festive for 2020, that is.
We like to say we are “coffee’s perfect mate,” and since your own work-at-home mate is likely driving you nuts being all up in your shit all the time, we trust you’ll turn to our bottles of seasonal comfort now more than ever. Consider us a few tablespoons of normalcy in your hot mug of dark despair.
All are available in 32- and 16-ounce sizes, with a suggested retail price (SRP) of whatever beleaguered retailers think they can get away with in an economy defined by record unemployment.
But hurry, as these flavors are strictly limited edition. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. Just like grandma.