The Warm and Comfy

  • 1 cup almond milk
  • 1 oz cookies and creme gin
  • Garnish: crushed Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Heat your locally sourced almond milk to a tepid temperature. As you do so, look around your little get together and remind guests that it is 9:01 PM on Saturday night and that it’s getting late. What are Kevin and Stacy doing here? Pour the drink into a copper cup and sprinkle generously with crushed Cinnamon Toast Crunch so that it floats on the cooling milk skin. Serve in your pajamas.

Take the Hint

  • 1/2 cup Walmart boxed wine
  • 2 oz cranberry vodka
  • Dash of Xanax

Although most guests have said their goodbyes and exchanged Instagram information, Kevin and Stacy have taken their shoes off and are now discussing Middle Eastern politics on your couch. Mix the wine, the cranberry vodka, and stir in 1/2 tab crushed Xanax. Serve in a small travel mug (leak proof) topped with two lightly frosted throat lozenges. Surely, Kevin and Stacy will now understand its time to leave so that you can cry about Phillip who honestly could never take a hint either.

The Awkward Pause

  • 1 ripe yellow melon, diced
  • 1/3 oz fresh lime juice
  • 6 oz expired orange juice leftover from when Phillip used to make you breakfast

The expired orange juice will provide all the kick you need. Blend all ingredients for 10 seconds without ice as you remember all the good things about Phillip. When properly mixed, pour into Phillip’s favorite mug that he left when he moved out. Serve with a smile to Kevin and Stacy who have moved off the couch and now stand next to your fish tank. Remind Kevin that it’s not really appropriate to pet your fish and then laugh awkwardly. There used to be two fish, but Phillip broke up the matching pair. Stand silently as they both look at you and wonder why their conversation has stalled so dramatically.

Phillip’s Favorite

  • 12 kiwi fruit
  • 1 2/3 oz kiwi syrup
  • 2 oz fresh kiwi juice
  • 3oz kiwi-infused absinthe
  • 1 quart 7UP (optional)

Phillip had a kiwi fetish, which you tried to live with. But every woman has her limits and being “seeded” just wasn’t your scene. Peel and blend the kiwi fruit. Strain through your shattered hopes and dreams or a cheesecloth. Pour the absinthe into the empty Walmart wine box and add the fruit mixture. Combine with 7UP for a dryer taste. Garnish and serve to Kevin and Stacy as they begin to move into your spare bedroom. How do you even know Kevin and Stacy? Aren’t they Phillips work friends? Offer to call them an Uber as they shut the door.

Are You Serious!

  • Mad Dog 20/20, Banana Red variety

Sit in your room and notice how the walls of your apartment are very thin. No need for glasses with this cocktail, it’s meant to be served straight from the bottle. Take a swig for each time Stacy screams Kevin’s name, which is surprisingly a lot. Kevin has got some stamina, unlike Phillip.

The Eviction Order

  • 2 oz of blended Organic Honey Grass Whiskey
  • 1/2 oz superfine sugar
  • 1/2 oz triple sec
  • Dash of extreme bitters

This is a cocktail of confidence! Pour ingredients into a cocktail shaker and throttle it like it’s Phillips' fucking neck. Strain into a small whiskey tumbler and proudly step out of your room. Silently say goodbye to your fish that floats at the top of your aquarium. To serve, have a uniformed sheriff's deputy knock roughly on your spare bedroom door. Suppress your shock when they open the door and the sex stank hits you in the face. Why does it smell like kiwi?

The Squatters Rights

  • 1/2 oz elderflower cordial
  • 1 pint Jim Beam
  • 12 oz Lemon-Lime Kool-Aid
  • Serve in halved piss-yellow bell pepper

The sheriff made it clear that Kevin and Stacy are claiming squatter's rights. And, of course, you have the perfect cocktail for the occasion. Add exactly one ingredient each time you swear. Blend until brown. To serve, pack your bags (don’t forget your fish!) and walk down the stairs to the curb. Sip your cocktail out of the halved bell pepper as it will help control the sobbing. When Phillip shows up in his 1983 Ford Fiesta, confront him and demand closure. What’s with the damn kiwis? As he takes you to your mom’s house, let the aroma of the cocktail do all the talking. Congratulate yourself on a successful party and the ingenuity of your cocktail menu. Perhaps its time to invite Phillip over again and serve him your absolute best creation.

I Gave You Herpes, Kiwi Fucker!

  • 1 cup Who needs some space now?
  • 2 oz Oh, you’re too busy for a relationship, huh?
  • 1 oz Does Jasmine know how busy you are?
  • Garnish with Yeah, I know about Jasmine.

Go seed yourself, Phillip!

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.