Dear Mall Shoppers,

In these uncertain times, we are so grateful for our customers—and with the holidays quickly approaching, we’d like to share some details about how our Christmas celebrations will look a little different this year.

First, a bit of background: A couple of months ago, we placed an online job listing for seasonal Mall Santa positions. It wasn’t until the ad had been posted for several days that we discovered a small typo. We had not, in fact, announced our need for Mall Santas, but instead, Mall Satans.

You probably find this humorous, and so did we—until we were contacted by the devil himself. Once we realized the phone call was not a harmless prank, we attempted to explain our mistake. We soon realized, however, that Satan simply would not take no for an answer—which means that this year, our mall will feature Satan’s Village. Apparently, the devil is “reinventing his personal brand” and “prioritizing reputation marketing” and therefore views Satan’s Village as an opportunity to “target an exciting new demographic.” (He even has a long, tedious PowerPoint about it.)

Rest assured that we are deeply committed to making it through the holiday season with as few fatalities as possible—whether COVID-associated or demon-related—and we’re determined to make the best of this unique situation.

If you are interested in bringing your children to visit Satan (we’re sure you have your reasons) or if you are simply eager to witness the ultimate manifestation of evil make himself at home in your local shopping center, please follow the rules below for visiting Satan’s Village, for your safety and ours:

  1. Wear a face mask. Sadly, this will not shield you from the stench of pure evil emanating from the devil, which can only be described as a combination of sulfur, wet dog, and Rudy Giuliani’s hair dye, but it will protect your fellow customers and our mall employees.
  2. Follow social distancing guidelines by staying six feet away from other shoppers as well as mall staff and the devil himself. More importantly, do not sit on Satan’s lap, as you will be instantly vaporized. No parent wants their child to see that.
  3. Address Satan using the following names only: Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, The Evil One, or The Prince of Darkness. Please do not refer to him as Voldemort, Emperor Palpatine, or Mitch McConnell. (After all, even demons have feelings.)
  4. Avoid making any devil-centered or devil-adjacent pop culture references, including but not limited to the following: The Exorcist (book or film), Rosemary’s Baby (book or film), The Omen (1976 or 2006 films), The Passion of the Christ (film), Lucifer (TV series), and Supernatural (TV series). (Exception: It is perfectly fine to mention the episode of The Simpsons in which Homer sells his soul for a doughnut. Satan thought that was pretty funny.)
  5. Refrain from making any devil-related puns. We don’t want to hear them, and more importantly, neither does Satan. He’s heard them all. (Be forewarned that Satan will likely make his own devil-related puns. Make sure to laugh heartily and convincingly.)
  6. Do not accessorize your outfit with novelty costume items such as devil horns, a forked tail, or a pitchfork. You may find it amusing; Satan will not. Jewelry or clothing printed with pentagrams or the Number of the Beast are acceptable, as are Norwegian black metal band T-shirts.

For those of you brave enough to visit Satan’s Village and lucky enough to survive it, make sure to celebrate afterward with some holiday shopping! Many of our stores are commemorating the devil’s visit in exciting ways. Yankee Candle Company has created a special limited-edition scent, “Hellfire for the Holidays;” Build-a-Bear Workshop is offering an adorable plush, “Naughty Lil’ Devil;” and Claire’s will be performing especially painful piercings (on unwilling customers only).

Thank you for your cooperation, and we look forward to seeing you at the mall soon!

Happy Holidays—and Hail Satan,
Mall Management

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