As the first Covid-19 surrender anniversary approaches, let's reflect on the many species of Guy lost in our day-to-day lives. Focus on the time you had, instead of the time taken away. Sure, early testing could have saved most of these relationships, but it's important not to be bitter.
Never Posts in the Group Chat Guy
A true live-only act. He might answer a text if you get sick.
Don't Shoot Up the Office Guy
The single tether that kept you off the Nightly News.
Holds Your Stuff While You Vomit Guy
Enabler? Maybe. But he kept lunch off your best coat for years.
Half Normal, Half NeoCon Guy
For three out of five conversations, he was fantastic. In the other two, you'd learn new racial “statistics.” On average, you miss him.
Likes the Same Band Guy
You both listened to Bolt Thrower. In hindsight, you should have checked for a second thing in common before the apocalypse.
Not Sure If He's Technically Your Boss or Not Guy
He announced your projects, asked your permission for everything, went to the fancy meetings in the big room, and got paid less. You never figured it out.
Complain About the Late Morning Train Guy
He limped to his commute at the same time. More importantly, he agreed that the transit system was holding you both back from greatness.
Motivational Fitness Yelling Guy
“Finish the rep. C'mon, don't be a flake. Finish the rep. My daughter could lift that. Seriously, I'll call her, and she'll lift that, and you'll look like a shit. Finish. The. Rep.”
Doomsday Preparation Guy
Good luck getting him out of that bunker without a SWAT team.
Secret Simmering Resentment Guy
You got along naturally, but also quietly hoped he would fall into the world's largest food processor.
Your Dads Died at the Same Time Guy
You used to check on each other. Hopefully he's only gone the normal amount of crazy over the dead parent thing.
Humanity Can Overcome Anything Together Guy
You still hang out all the time, but he needs a new label.
Backup Friend Guy
While your inner circle's full, he was a perfect fit if one of them died or got into QAnon.
Secret Rival Guy
He had similar goals, and a rising tide lifts all, right? Though he always managed to find a little more tide than you did. Not that you were mad. You just wanted to sprinkle failure on his life.
Mystery Cough Guy
He's had it for years. You never knew if it was bronchitis, a secret smoking habit, or a cry for attention. These days, it's too stressful to ask.
Conspiracy Theory Guy
His last text said to “remember him as a hero.” Probably fine.
Immunocompromised Best Friend Guy
Try not to think about him, it'll ruin your whole day. Look, WandaVision! What will those madmen at Disney think of next?
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