Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and lowborn plebes, this is your boarding announcement for flight number 353 with service to Newark. We have a large number of passengers traveling with us today, so please listen carefully for when your social standing is publicly advertised.

At this time we would like to welcome our Gold Alliance and Royalty Members aboard the aircraft. If you are an emperor, tsar, sultan, raja, or king and wield unconditional power over trembling masses, their majesties are kindly invited to approach the gate with their boarding passes ready.

We would next like to invite all First Class Members, Nobility Members, and Blue-Blooded Hangers-On to begin boarding at this time, including any barons, earls, counts, grand dukes and regular dukes who may be traveling with us today. If your ancestors did unspeakable things in exchange for land and titles, please note the Gentry Zone is located in rows 10 to 20.

To expedite the boarding process, we would also like to invite all Members of the Nouveau Riche to kindly join their betters at this time, including but not limited to upstarts, parvenues, jumped-up vulgarians, and johnny-come-latelies. If your boarding pass is marked BOURGEOIS in ink that cannot be erased no matter how hard you try, please approach the gate with your travel documents ready.

We would also like to invite all Premium Economy Class Members, Preferred Economy Class Members, and Upper Middle-Class Members to please join us at this time, including any owners of the means of production and/or members of the one percent who may be flying with us today. Mustachioed tycoons are hereby advised that ivory-knobbed walking sticks are no longer permitted aboard the aircraft.

To begin general, truly run-of-the-mill boarding, we would finally like to invite all Economy Class Members, General Rank and/or File, and Members of the Common Herd—that’s Common Herd—to begin boarding at this time, as well as any lowborn plebes or loutish third estatespersons who may be traveling with us today, including but not limited to philistines, proletariat, lumpenproletariat, and of course the hoi polloi. If you are a vassal, burgher, or yeoman and are unsure of your class, kindly approach the front desk and we would be more than happy to assist you.

This is your final call for flight 353 with service to Newark. Any remaining scum, riffraff, villainous swine or perfidious boobs are grudgingly invited to gate D22. To repeat, this is the final call for flight 353 to Newark. Latecomers beyond this point will be denied upward mobility. The doors are now closing. Thank you and enjoy the flight.

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