Well. Noah. Susan. Congratulations! What a day.

Sue, I remember the day we first met at that Go Ape. If you, a clean freak and BASE-jumping enthusiast, had told me back then that my old college roommate Noah, the famously-housebound, former Hoarders contestant, was the man for you, I wouldn’t have believed it. Who would?

Seriously. Who?

I mean, clearly some have.

All these faces gathered here today are seemingly inarguable proof of that. As is the mountain of presents gifted to you by us all in the hopes it leads to seeing you enjoy sustained happiness. And seeing you both now, I think we will sue.

Sorry—I think we will. Sue, and Noah, you are clearly blessed.

Often couples split when they become so intertwined they lose touch with their own identities. It is a great omen, then, perhaps, that there are so very few connecting threads between you two. I remember the excitement upon discovery of that mutual love of David Copperfield! Before it transpired, of course, Susan meant the illusionist and not the classic Dickensian character. Still though. It was almost something. Hence the hashtag for today's ceremonies: #NoahAndSueAreAlmostSomething. Do make it trend.

It's such a shame that your beloved grandparents couldn't be here today. And I know all of us here hope for Jerry, Margot, and Benjamin's speedy recovery. I have never before seen quite so many simultaneous strokes. And it was such awfully bad luck that they should occur just as you were telling them of your happy engagement news. Just a terrible coincidence, indeed. I pray they're able to pull through.

And we remember Gloria, too. May she rest in peace. I know she's with us here today. Literally, of course. Being buried, as she is, just outside that stained glass window of the toppling of Gomorrah.

Unusual, perhaps, to have a wedding in the same church as—and so soon after—the funeral of a loved one. But, as you so eloquently put it Noah, why not go for that two-for-one offer? Why not, indeed. And it just makes this day so much more unique. (Please, God, let it be unique.)

Now, I, of course, could go on and on about how you both are the perfect encapsulations of true love and proof incarnate of the existence of soul mates, but now seems like neither the time nor place, so, in closing, I think I speak for everyone here when I say: all of this just screams No–

–ah and Susan!

Your sheer individualism continues to be so powerfully displayed in what has happened here today.

You are, in the eyes of the law, now a couple. And I can honestly say that I've met no single individuals more “you” than you.

To the happy couple!

Oh, nearly forgot—you’re both cheating on each other with me. Cheers!