Mr. Cohen, thank you for joining me on this virtual medical follow-up regarding your potentially life-saving brain surgery. Before we get to your results though, I’ll need you to smash that “like” button at the bottom of your screen, in order to show support for this new telehealth initiative.
According to my records, it’s been two weeks since your operation and I know you must be very nervous about hearing your fate. To say that the next few words that come out of my mouth will impact you and your family’s life forever is an understatement.
However, before I deliver the news, I notice that you haven’t smashed that “like” button yet. It’s in the same spot that I mentioned before, located conveniently at the bottom of your screen. Patients really need to smash that so my bosses can track the popularity of this service, which in turn, will result in more financial support from our advertisers.
Not to put any pressure on you, but part of my salary does depend on whether you can accomplish this simple task. While I give you another moment to do this, I will continue with the matter at hand.
After we discovered the condition that your brain was in, we realized that time was very much of the essence. As you know, the treatment was invasive and risky, but absolutely necessary.
If your wife and kids are nearby, now would be a good time to gather them for encouragement. Life is precious, and as a medical e-doctor I cannot stress the importance of a supportive family.
Since we are meeting on a virtual platform that is funded by private interests, it is imperative for us to track your satisfaction level, so we know if our money is being well spent.
Mr. Cohen, may I ask you a question? Do you see that little “thumbs up” logo at the bottom of the screen?
It’s not like I’m asking a lot here. You literally just have to click one little button so we can move on. I don’t know why you’re dragging this out, it’s not too difficult. It’s not like brain surgery or anything.
Which reminds me.
I really want to give you these results, but the algorithm behind this online e-health portal won’t let me continue until you provide some sort of feedback (smashing the “like” button that I keep pestering you about). If I try to give you the results before you do this, our video call will go dead and you’ll be locked out of your account for thirty minutes.
And considering the news I’m about to give you, I’m not sure calling my bluff and potentially having to wait that amount of time is in your best interest.
Are those your kids? They’re delightful, and probably very internet savvy. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but I hope it’s imploring you to SMASH THAT “LIKE” BUTTON!!!
Okay, wow, you finally did it! Thank you Mr. Cohen! I really appreciate that you’re enjoying this encounter. It’s always nice to get positive feedback from our patients, so now we can finally continue.
I have some good news! No, not about your health. One of our new sponsors is a heavy hitter in the crypto space, so I’m excited to tell you that the amount owing for your surgery can also be paid in bitcoin or traded for NFTs of equal or higher value.
Now, to your results…
I want you to know that we tried everything in our power to heal you, but I’m sorry to say that you’re not going to make it.
I know this can’t be easy to hear, as it’s certainly not easy for me to say. My only advice is to cherish the time you have left, and spend each day living, laughing, and loving as much as you can.
Some patients don’t want to know how much time they have left, but I can certainly give you that information if you so choose.
But first I’ll have to insist that you smack the “subscribe” and “share” buttons, and fill out a quick questionnaire powered by SurveyMonkey.