Hello America, we’ve had a lot of alpha- and sigma-leaders in the history of this great nation, but I think it’s finally time to give the little guy a chance. I’m asking you to make me, Hank “Pickles” Pickelini, your President in 2024, if it’s not too much of a bother.

You probably haven’t heard of me, but I’ve been in politics for more than a decade. I’m the guy who did all the work on the Healthcare Reform Bill but asked for none of the credit. I’m also the guy in the background of the last several Presidential portraits (I’m the thing that the Presidents are leaning on).

My work has been recognized internationally. During my time as a senator, I set the Guinness World Record for most abstentions because I really don’t think my opinion is that important. I’ve never ruffled feathers or stood up for my constituents, and I believe that my years of not making waves as a senator prepare me for not making waves as your President.

I’m sure you asking “Why him? Why now? What’s his name again?” The situation in the Ukraine prompted me to throw my hat into the presidential ring so early, a hat I would never have the confidence to wear. I would like to take this opportunity to express not my moral outrage—not my domineering anger—but my disappointment over Putin’s recent actions. Right now, more than ever, America needs a President who doesn’t let aggressive foreign powers boss them around because he’s afraid, but because he’s desperate for their approval. On my first day in office, I’m traveling straight to Russia to speak to Putin because I would never ask him to travel all the way here.

If the last four years have taught us anything, it’s that we need a President who can be honest with Americans, a President who won’t dispute election results because he’s never disputed anything in his life. I’m what America needs right now, a President who will release his tax returns and his dick pics, just so all of you know that you have nothing to be threatened by.

Now, I know it’s controversial, my choice to run not only as a beta-male, but also a third-party candidate. Let me explain. First, I believe that the two-party system does not adequately represent my beta-male indecisiveness. As a voter and as a candidate, I know how hard it is to never want to disappoint anyone anywhere at all times—that’s why for all recent elections, I have always written in “All of the above.”

And second, I believe that both parties' symbols give off too much dominating energy to represent my candidacy, which is why, instead of elephant or donkey, I have chosen a dog taking orders from another more muscular dog. It’s time for a change!

America is ready for a President with no weird sex stuff in their past, but a weird number of close female friends. And don’t worry, America, they love me but like a “little brother,” a little brother who’s ready to lead this great nation.

America is ready for a President who is concerned with what you think, so much so that he will experience crippling social anxiety when you don’t immediately respond when I text everyone in America in a massive group thread. I don’t even care if you donate, I’m just worried that we’re not friends anymore!

And, finally, America is ready for a President who crosses his legs. It’s just more comfortable that way, and it frees up space on Air Force One for other passengers.

America, I’m sorry if I came on too strong. To quote my campaign slogan, “If no one else wants it, why not this guy?” I’ll simp for you, America, if you’ll let me.


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