What a great idea! Can anyone buy an Amazon Prime Baby? 

Amazon Prime Baby uses an algorithm designed to evaluate parental fitness based on the consumer's Amazon order history. For example, a consumer who regularly buys food, soap and bottled water would qualify for a Prime Baby as the program would identify them as healthy, hygienic and hydrated—all very desirable traits. Someone who has several cases of MGD and Vienna Sausages auto-shipped weekly would not qualify, since that shopper is either a college sophomore or an alcoholic with a severe vitamin deficiency. 

Amazon Prime Baby

Why in the world would you do this?

We wanted to simplify the process of infant acquisition by eliminating the "barriers to parentry" plaguing traditional and outdated methods, like pregnancy and adoption. Long waiting periods, excessive paperwork and physical ailments are no longer issues when the process is approached using a simple retail model. TIME Magazine calls it the "Retailization of Procreation" like it's a bad thing! As far as slogans go I prefer "Put the Baby in the Basket," but no matter what we end up printing on our t-shirts, we think this is the easiest, most efficient and painless method of acquiring a baby today.

What are the delivery options for an Amazon Prime Baby? They're already so expensive and I'd like to cut costs.

Our fleet of dedicated drones are designed to ensure the safe and timely delivery of your Prime Baby within TWO days. That's two consecutive days, not business days, by the way. We've discovered when dealing with a deliverable that requires diaper changes and frequent feedings the sooner the better and really, two days is probably pushing it. This amazing quick-turn service is included in the price of every Prime Baby. 

Can Amazon Prime Baby deliver anywhere? What about on holidays?

Due to concerning behavior in some areas, we've recently redrawn our local delivery zones. Amazon Prime Baby will not service locations where people have exhibited open hostility toward drones and/or babies. We're constantly monitoring social media chatter to see where the highest concentration of these people reside and adjust the drone paths accordingly.

We deliver on all major holidays with the exception of the Fourth of July because of the large number of people shooting guns into the air.

Will my Amazon Prime Baby be safe during delivery? Drones kind of freak me out.

It's important to us that your Amazon Prime Baby arrive undamaged. All babies are fitted with customized protective helmets to ensure that their most vulnerable parts, like the eyes and open fontanelle, are safe from errant tree branches or aggressive birds.

Online feedback to the drones' appearance has been overwhelmingly negative. Most respondents felt the military-style drones looked "terrifying" and, like you, were "freaked out" when the drone made its approach. We take these comments seriously and therefore are currently redesigning the entire fleet to resemble storks.

I tried to cancel my Amazon Prime Baby order but found it difficult and changed my mind. Will you make this process easier in the future? (p.s. So glad I didn't cancel; got my Prime Baby today and he's perfect!)

Amazon Prime Baby wants to be sure you've considered your options before you make the biggest decision of your life. The cancellation message, "Are you sure you want to terminate this baby?" is meant to help you make the right choice. We're so glad you did!

Where do these babies come from?

The stork, of course! (Wink!) Look, we know there's a certain stigma associated with buying infants on the Internet. We believe Amazon Prime Baby is going to change that.

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.