Greetings citizens! Some of you know me, others do not, I am Captain Dynamic (the good superhero names are all taken). I am here to protect your small, quaint town of Norman, Oklahoma from being flattened, even more than it already is, by the likes of the insidious Black Flame or the nefarious Hypnotic Jackal.
There have been a lot of questions and speculation since it was first announced that I had been hired as your town’s superhero-in-residence.
Yes, I am indeed subsidized by tax-payer money. If you don’t like that, look in the mirror. We used to give superheroes like myself jobs at the local newspaper but, since you all decided to kill print journalism, that is no longer a viable option!
No, this is not my superhero outfit. Just once you get used to Spandex it’s hard to go back to restrictive Dockers.
I’ve read the comments and jabs about me on the Nextdoor app and, let me assure you, I will be getting in better shape pronto. The city is working on building a gym designed specifically for my unique needs. See, it’s not easy for a superhero to find a place to work out. I can’t just go down to the local Planet Fitness. They do not have the machines or the number of weights necessary for a literal superhero, and they must have some sort of a nationwide database that flags you at every location if you had a single bathroom accident on the elliptical machine at just one location. You have a single bathroom accident, which was exacerbated by the high RPMs you were churning out at the time, and you’re banned nationwide?! Doesn’t sound like a “judgment-free zone” to me!
A lot of people have been saying I fight crime. No. Wrong. I do not fight crime. I fight supervillains. I am a superhero. It would be unfair and an incredible waste of my talents to have me duking it out with convenience store burglars. No, I’m here to protect your quaint town from The Juggler, or Deathskull, or, God-forbid, Dr. Darkness. You think your local police force, with their paltry two tanks and tons of military-grade gear they have for some reason will be enough to stop the likes of a Professor Killface?
Sure, there are no supervillains attacking your town currently (you’re welcome). But if a supervillain were looking for a town to terrorize, do you think they’d pick a town with a resident superhero or one without?
You guys can keep writing articles and shouting questions at me asking how much the town is paying for my services, but I’m not going to answer. That is private public fund information.
I am providing a service. Would you ask Spiderman how much he makes annually? Would you ask Superman if he “fights crime”? Would you ask Dr. Strange if his superpowers were real? Would you ask Batman if he was basically just some regular guy in stretch pants who may or may not have evacuated his bowels on an elliptical machine at a Planet Fitness somewhere in the contiguous United States?
I will just say this: my salary is far less than what it would cost to completely rebuild the town were it to be pulverized by Havoc Aaron (the good villain names are also taken).
A lot has been made of my past. Yes, I was the resident superhero for Otwell, Indiana before I came here. Yes, it was obliterated by The Heinous Brothers. But, you learn more from your failures than you do from your successes.
Look, I’m here to serve you, the citizens of Norman, Oklahoma. I don’t want to call myself a hero, you guys are supposed to do that. But, you’re making me call myself that and I hate it (I hate me having to be the one to call myself that, I don’t hate being called a hero, just to clarify).
Bottom line, I have agreed, out of the kindness of my heart, to put my own life on the line to protect this town from certain and total destruction and all I’ve asked for in return is respect, an annual salary I’m not comfortable disclosing, a private gym and residence, a weapons stipend, an exception to traffic laws that makes my special crime-fighting car street legal, a special crime-fighting car, and a permit which allows me to park the aforementioned car wherever I need to even if it’s just to get a bagel or something.
I guess sacrificing myself for the good of the town just isn’t enough for some of you. Does anyone happen to have the contact info for the mayor of Winterset, Iowa?