As you all may have discovered by now, the female anatomy seems different from the normal kind we’re used to studying. Often (but not always) female bodies are sexy, hot, so it can be confusing when they present as sick or fat or even, in some cases, nonwhite. My job today is to demystify these bodies for you by going over all the things that can go wrong with them based on the 30 pages of research we have.

First, let’s take a look at some of their biology. As you can see, women have two hidey-holes and one butt. One of these holes is for men, and the other two are secrets. Contrary to popular belief, women do not possess one utilitarian opening for all of their bathroom and reproductive functions, like ducks.

If you look here at the pelvis, you can see a structure that resembles a wishbone with two golf balls on the end. Do not get these balls confused with testicles (or sporting equipment). Testicles make sperm. These balls make “lady sperm,” or what we in the medical community call “eggs.” If you shake a woman too hard they'll break, just like the eggs you’d eat for breakfast. This is why women are not allowed to play baseball.

The important thing to remember about lady balls is that even if something goes wrong with them, conceiving a baby can fix it. Oral contraceptive pills are also a cure-all, whether or not your patient is a slut.

Sometimes, when a woman complains too much about her lady balls hurting, she’ll die soon after. We won’t get into “lady ball cancer,” since there is zero way to test for it anyhow. Although complaining about abdominal pain may correlate to a later diagnosis of cancer, we cannot definitively say that complaining actually causes cancer. So, for their own safety, it’s best to encourage your female patients to pipe down.

Now, when a woman visits the emergency department, it’ll be your job to interpret her screams. A good rule of thumb is, if the woman is bleeding from her mouth, her eyes, her ears, or her butt, it’s just her period and you can send her home. If she’s bleeding profusely from either one of her hidey-holes, she’s having a baby. Congratulate her and send her on up to Obstetrics.

It is at your discretion whether or not to provide a woman with pain medication. We in the medical community recommend almost never doing this. A good way to gauge if a woman is actually in pain is to let her sit with it for about 65 minutes. Anything less and you rob her of the opportunity to solve her own problems. So, if a woman comes into the ER and you can see that ten dogs are attacking her in the lobby, it is safe to assume that ten dogs actually are attacking her in the lobby, and you may provide her with Tylenol after 65 minutes (but, she may decide to fight off the dogs, and if she wins, you can just send her home).

However, if she comes into the ER holding her own severed head, you cannot assume she's in pain because you have no idea how she came to be headless. Was she playing baseball? Did she accidentally hit off her own head with a bat? Also, it's possible that she's already dead. It would be a shame to waste precious analgesics on a corpse when they could have gone to your male patient who twisted his ankle sliding into home.

I see a bunch of women out there taking notes. You’re probably asking yourself, can I really not trust my female patients with their own bodies? Am I, myself, actually lying when I feel sick? Yes and yes. Since they’re gonna lie at you all day, you lie right back. And if you’re gonna look in the mirror and lie to yourself, make sure you keep the lights on if your name is Mary.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. What about their boobs? The good news is that we know tons about boobs (am I right, boys?). Between mammograms, well-woman visits, and monthly shower checks, more breasts are surviving cancer than ever before thanks to all the awareness we’ve brought them. Even if you’re a “butt guy,” it might be helpful to think of breasts like embryos. They all deserve to live.

Additionally, women share many of the same ailments as men. Unfortunately, the research just isn’t there to diagnose them correctly. For example, when a woman experiences a heart attack, she’ll probably just seem tired. She may not clutch her chest and her left arm may not go numb like a man’s. The thing is, if we assumed every tired woman was actually dying of a heart attack, we’d be overrun with screamers in the ER. Even if a woman tells you, “I am having a heart attack,” she is probably lying to get drugs. Tell her to get pregnant and send her home. You’ll know she was telling the truth if she dies.

And finally, if you can’t figure out what’s wrong with a woman and she insists that something is, ask her, “When you take a bath, do you float or do you sink?” If she answers, “I float,” then you should kill her.

So remember, if you decide to go into women’s health, make sure you do it for the right reason– the babies. This is God’s work on earth. Otherwise, you’ll just spend your days stumped by human riddles that crawled out of hell and into your office. Now, get out there and be heroes!


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