Let's face it, being mugged can be a traumatizing affair, and nine times out of ten they'll take your money too. Here are a few simple tips for keeping hold of your cash and never getting mugged ever again.

Keep your wallet in your shoe.

Simple logic. Muggers will never expect someone to keep their wallet in their shoe 24/7, as this would be an incredible inconvenience to their everyday life. This will also have the added benefit of making look as though you have a limp, and the mugger may even take pity on you and carry you the rest of the way home.

Keep all your pockets slick with oil.

This easy trick requires nothing but a wallet and a fresh pocket of oil. This way when they try to grasp your wallet, it will simply slip out their hands. At this point you can humiliate them further by saying, “What's the matter bud? Can't get a grip?” For added belittling, you can also play a slide whistle or maybe kick them in the nuts.

Distract them with a decoy wallet.

Give up your wallet without a fuss — but here's the rub—you've handed one over filled with Danish Kroner. Reason? The mugger will have to travel to the nearest bank to have it exchanged, thus giving you enough time to escape. (Pro tip: You will need more time to escape due to the wallet in your shoe.)

Buy a large, novelty-sized wallet as a goof.

When a mugger asks for your money and you calmly bring out a wallet the size of a television, the mugger will understandably be confused. They'll probably say something like, “Hey what the hell is this?” or “This wallet is too big,” and it is at this point that you can strike them with a fatal blow to the larynx. (Please note: This method is only acceptable if you are capable of murder and have also replaced all regular money with large gameshow-sized checks.)

Drink plenty of water.

Hydration is key to brain function. It's that simple. So use your newfound quick thinking skills and full bladder to piss your pants immediately. With your so-called fortune now in pissy tatters, your mugger will often be too grossed out to continue the charade.

Confuse them.

Beware: Muggers may be disoriented and could be carrying a knife. Disorient them further by handing them a fork and spoon also to convince them it's just dinner time.

Just give them the money.

This is exactly what they'd least expect, and if you give up your possessions without a fuss, there won't be any trouble.

Pretend you don't know what money is.

If in doubt, deny, deny, deny. If they then pull out your wallet and ask you, “What's all this then,” pin them to the concrete and say, “It's a badge motherfucker you're going to jail!” The trick? You reveal your wallet is actually a detective's badge and promptly crack out the cuffs. (Please note: this requires that you don't carry a wallet and carry a fake detective's badge instead. You can find these on real detectives, which can be stolen along with their wallets.)

Mug them before they mug you.

Listen, it's kill or be killed out there. As soon as you get the sense someone close by could mug you, you gotta mug 'em for everything they're worth. (Pro tip: If they're any good at mugging they'll be carrying wallets by the handful.)

Become a mugger full time.

Let's face it, that first time was pretty good and now you have a real taste for the ol' five finger discount. Morally wrong you ask? Wrong, you reply. Reason? You allow yourself to do Dexter-style mugging in which you only mug the muggers. The best way to do this is to wait for someone to get mugged and then immediately mug that mugger right back. Beware: The person that was originally mugged might mistake you for a hero. With their goodwill on your side, now it's time to really clean them out. This can be done by shaking them upside down by the ankles and checking them for shoe wallets.

Congratulations. The hunted has become the hunter and the ancient dance continues.


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