Dear Students and Faculty,

I hope all of you are well and staying safe. As I’m sure all of you are aware, COVID-19 has caused a lot of uncertainty about the upcoming school year. With no clear guidelines of how to reopen safely, every school in the country from preschools to universities are having to use their best judgment to ensure the safety of their students.

As a result, we will be making the following changes to the academic calendar and the curriculum for the University of Phoenix online:

Not a damn thing.

Well, would you look at that. It’s almost like we were made for this exact situation. It’s just so funny. Normally everyone condescends to us and makes fun of online college, but now I guess we’re all in the same boat. I’m sure most of you would have your tuition paid for if you had a nickel for every time you heard someone say “it’s not real college.”

Rest assured students, you made the right choice in attending the University of Phoenix. Our curriculum will remain exactly the same because we’re built for this shit. Students at other schools are having to teach themselves because, while their professors have multiple PHDs and have been knighted, they still can’t understand the concept of a “raise hand” button on Zoom.

I know each and every one of you has that friend or neighbor who, according to your mother, is “so smart” and “just the fucking best.” Maybe they’re a poli sci major at Georgetown and won’t stop talking about how their professor used to be a real-life Congressman. We here at the University of Phoenix may not be able to provide professors with that level of credentials, or even an understanding of the subject matter, but ours can send an email. They know that a breakout session isn’t a time specified for dealing with acne.

“University of Phoenix is for-profit. It’s a scam. There’s no way you can get a good education online.” Not when you’re learning online from one of those “real colleges.” That crusty old Congressman is going to be 20 minutes into his lecture by the time he realizes he’s been talking to the YouTube homepage.

This is neither here nor there but I’ve been receiving emails from the deans of many an Ivy League University, practically groveling, drooling at my station, asking for advice on remote learning. Well, well, well, how times have changed. I can remember these same deans were the ones physically blocking me out of conversations at last year’s International Dean Conference. Yes, if I recall further, it seems they were also the ones pushing their glasses up and pretending to type on their tables in abject mockery. Of course, the same ones who year after year picked me last for the annual dean kickball game.

They all laughed as I ran up to kick the ball and missed, Charlie Brown-style, launching myself an absurd height into the air and landing flat on my back. “My glasses! Can someone help me find my glasses?” I would plead.

“Oh, you mean these glasses?” I heard a voice say once. A voice I’d recognized. CRUNCH! It was Harvard’s dean stepping on them. Unable to see, I could only listen to the high fives and laughter that followed. The laughter. The laughter.

Well, apologies to those dipshits, but it seems I’ve forgotten my email password and thrown my personal laptop into the river. Luckily, if they’re as smart as they’ve been saying for all these years, then they should have no trouble figuring this out.

Do take a few minutes to brag to your friends and neighbors that you are attending what is now the best university in the country.

Eat shit Harvard.


The Dean of the University of Phoenix