Hello and welcome aboard! We want to first start by thanking you for choosing to fly with BudJet Air, the number one most affordable airline in the country. You may notice we’ve made some upgrades to today’s flight and they’re all in the interest of passing our incredible savings on to you, our valued customer.
If it’s your first time flying BudJet you’re probably wondering where the seats are. We’ve anticipated how much our customers dislike being squeezed into those insultingly tiny airplane chairs, so we’re giving everyone on board the opportunity to stand for the duration of the flight. You may be curious how this will work. It’s simple! We will arrange you like bowling pins in a milk crate starting from the back of the aircraft allllll the way to the cockpit door. For our elite Platinum Members, we will, of course, provide a dangling leather strap, which you can hang onto during the flight. For the Coal Members, we encourage you to grip the shoulder of the person standing in front of you in the event of turbulence. We feel this is a great way for you to get to know other members of the BudJet community, so feel free to strike up a convo with a fellow money-minded passenger.
It should go without saying that there are no overhead—or under-plane!—compartments on this plane. At BudJet, we thank you for not taking up precious people-space with suitcases or bags. Your bags are important to you, but they're unpaying dead cargo to us and we are proud to be the only airline that has completely outlawed luggage on our fleet! Our commitment to innovation is why you voted us “Most Calculating” in Dime Magazine. On that note, please make sure you’ve put on your diaper before take-off because there will not be an opportunity to do so once we’ve left the ground.
Safety is, of course, our number one priority, and you can review our safety instructions on the flyer we’ve provided in the bathroom stalls back at the terminal. In order to keep costs low for you, we’ve consolidated the emergency exits into one singular emergency exit, which is more of an emergency hole that you can crawl out of in the unlikely event of a crash. Remember, too, that you’ll be packed into the airplane preeeeetty tightly, so we do not anticipate much jostling upon impact. But please make sure you help yourself out of the emergency hole before helping a child. In case of a water landing, we’ve sent a postcard to your home prior to this flight encouraging you to take swimming lessons. If you’ve neglected to do so, we ask that you locate a floating piece of wreckage to climb on, like Rose in Titanic. And unlike Rose, please do try to fit as many people onto the flaming chunks of plane as possible—at BudJet we like to say: “Sharing is caring…about your wallet!”
BudJet is also thrilled to be the first airline that uses a fully automated system of flying. That’s right, folks! This plane does not waste your hard-earned dollars paying the salary of a pilot or co-pilot. On this plane, your lives will be in the cold but capable hands of our robo-pilot, Otto the Autopilot. Otto is a top-of-the-line computer system that uses the same technology in a metal detector to sense when the ground is approaching. Remember that machines are completely impervious to that pesky human error problem we have with real pilots, so you’re safer than you feel! But please, do be aware that Otto will be making high pitched mechanical screeching noises for the entirety of today’s journey.
It should go without saying that food, drink, and entertainment are not available on this flight. If you wanted to be treated like a fancy prince you could have traveled with Amtrak.
Oh, look—the ramrods are here to facilitate the boarding process and to ensure we’re not wasting an inch of valuable plane room. Again, this is our way of making sure you are getting the cheap flight you deserve! Once the ramrodding process is complete, Otto will signal that it’s time for take-off with a series of ear-piercing chirps. Due to an outdated law about working conditions, there are no actual flight attendants aboard this aircraft—but once this plane touches down in nine hours in Tampa, there will be a gate agent waiting to extricate you from the plane. Thank you for watching this instructional video, and have a BudJet day!