The holidays are right around the corner, and once again you feel obligated to buy gifts for your friends and family. Yes, even the ones who voted for Trump and are known for posting in ALL CAPS on every social media platform known to man.
Behold! The ultimate gift guide for the Donald Trump supporter in your life. Because if they’re still willing to back Donny, even knowing that he's a mustache-twirling cartoon villain come to life, they probably still believe in the magic of Santa Claus, too – and that type of delusion deserves a present.
Do you know someone who wants to tweet out asinine messages, but feels limited by their lack of creativity? Do the bombastic words of Donald Trump leave your relatives feeling hopeful and smug?
Enter the perfect Christmas gift: The Trump Twitter Bot. This Twitter account “checks for new @realDonaldTrump tweets every 5 min & transforms them into correct Presidential statement format.” Instantly add authority to even the strangest of tweets, ready to be retweeted or posted as new. The Trump Twitter Bot relies heavily on racial slurs, propaganda, and made-up words to convey its points in official fashion – your family will covfefe it.
Watch as one former presidential candidate breaks down the facts on global warming, and then proceed to Twitter to decipher the current president-elect’s psychotic ramblings on the issue: “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”
3. A Donation to the International Rescue Committee
Want to get under your neo-Nazi relative’s skin while also benefiting the greater good? Donate to organizations like the International Rescue Committee in their name and sign your gift lovingly from “The Wall.”
4. Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules for Success by Ivanka Trump
Everyone’s favorite first lady, er, first daughter, wrote a book. Buy this stocking stuffer for the woman in your life who needs to work on her work ethic. Is your aunt Sheila still trying to work her way up the corporate ladder, despite not having a single rich relative in her chosen industry? Did your cousin choose to have children, but can’t afford to hire a nanny and personal chef? Ivanka gives practical advice – such as congregating with other peasants to see if they know anyone who’s hiring.
5. Tiny Gloves
For your favorite dude with super tiny hands. If you didn’t immediately think of the man in your life who’s known for speaking too closely to your face, giving you hugs when you repeatedly say you don’t want them, and is keen on wearing his shirt tucked into his underwear, then it might be high time to find a new social circle.
6. A Donation to Planned Parenthood
Speaking of causing your redneck uncle’s temper to flare, why not send a sizable donation to Planned Parenthood in his name? You’ll be helping people receive the medical attention they need and sticking it to your family during the process. Happy holidays.
7. Tiffany Trump’s Hit Single “Like A Bird (feat. Sprite & Logic)“
Tiffany is “the other daughter,” not the one Donald not-so-secretly wants to bang (shout out to Ivanka). Although Tiffany might not be as well known, she has ventured down the rabbit hole like fellow heiress Paris Hilton in the struggle to steal some spotlight despite having no musical talent.
Give the gift of her jarring, breathy song to your loved one and it will be stuck in the recipient’s head until the next presidential election – it’s up to you to decide whether this is a gift or a punishment.
8. A Cozy Robe
You want to buy the Trump supporter in your life a robe for the holidays. You know, for snuggling up around the house while watching Hallmark movies and drinking coffee in. However, they might be disappointed to receive any kind of robe that’s not white with a pointed hood – just a head’s up!
9. What Happened by Hillary Clinton
For the special someone in your life who's downright nasty. This compelling memoir by presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton will serve as a potent reminder of how things could have gone differently. You know, had a sane human being been chosen to represent our country.
Still stumped on what to get the special someone in your life who’s known for having the wool pulled over their eyes? You can never go wrong with a trip to Mexico.
Happy holidays, everyone.