1. “Long John” Thomas Philips “Hardwood”
John Thomas Philips was born October 18, 1935 and passed away at on March 20, 2015, just as spring hormones were in bloom again. John, better known by his pseudonym “Long John Hardwood,” worked diligently with dongs and thongs until he was 80 years old. He was a dedicated employee, working his way up from boom operator to director. He died on set a happy man. The devout Catholic's wake will be held at Pretty Kitty's strip club.
2. Tiffany “SURPRISE!” Johannasen
Tiffany Johannasen was born October 9, 1990, and sadly left us on April 9, 2015. Tiffany passed away at the tender age of 24. In her short time in the professional world she found a calling working as a clickbait writer. She loved creating internet garbage for tween readers, and counted “melting brains and ruining society” among two of her passions. In honor of her legacy the leaflet handed out during the visitation service will feature “The 50 Most ICONIC Tiffany Moments You Won't Believe Actually Happened in Her Lifetime.”
3. Brian… Jones?
Brian Jones—the alias he chose to be buried under—was born August 22, 1950, and left us all in mourning the morning of Christmas Eve this year. “It's sad to see Brian go during a month that he always earned huge bonuses,” said a colleague, who chose to remain anonymous. Brian was indeed a beloved friend of the community, except by those whose identity he stole. Working nearly 15 hours a day (mostly from home in his underwear), Brian had an incredible work ethic unsurpassed by most. He will always be remembered for the (black) mark he left on society.
4. It's Eddy Yolkum, Man
Eddy Yolkum passed away last week at the tender age of 27, like a lot of the people he looked up to: Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison. Eddy was an entrepreneur in a related field to his idols, whose work was seen in nearly every member of the tri-county area. He loved his work so much that he would be fully engrossed it, almost like he was on a bender of some kind. His dying wish was that he be buried in a field similar to some of his greatest works. Eddy's body has been shipped to a Colorado dispensary.
5. Hank “the Hoarder” Margold
“One man's trash is another man's treasure.” If that's true, Hank Margold worked with treasure for over 40 years. Hank was born in Camden, New Jersey 22 “leap years” ago and was hoping to make it to number 23 this year, before leaving us last month. He is survived by the love of his life, Betty, who wishes he was still around, because he'd know exactly where to take all this treasure he left in the attic.
6. Jillian “Git Er” Donner
Jillian Donner left us this year at the age of 46 and is survived only by her cat, Sebastian. Jillian had a reputation for being snobby and demeaning, which wasn't so good for her dating life. She was a corporate attorney on many high profile cases from around the country, mounting several successful defenses for police officers accused of murder and big oil companies just doing their job. Tragically, she passed away after contracting a deadly food-borne illness after eating canned tuna that had been incorrectly dated for expiration. Her firm Donner & Associates is representing the defendant, StarKist, stating, “Jillian most certainly would have done the same thing to any one of us. She would've wanted it this way.”
7. Phil “Debt-Free” Bodenheimer
Phil Bodenheimer was born June 2, 1965, and left the world February 8, 2015, after being struck in a fatal car crash. Phil will pass on a legacy that any man who worked in the single most lucrative industry on the planet for the past ten years could be proud of, handing off the remainder of his student loan debt to his closest living relative: his daughter Bethany.
8. “Hungry” Ron Donaldson Jr.
A man who was constantly “on call” at the drop of a hat (literally speaking) and a recognizable figure throughout the community, Ron Donaldson Jr. will be sorely missed by many after his passing late last week. That's right, anytime Ron dropped his hat you knew he was about to do great things—namely, ask for change on the sidewalk. The signage he used asking for handouts will be on display at an art gala this weekend in remembrance of his tireless efforts throughout his life. In honor of Ron, please join us for free snacks and beverages in the park downtown, the kind of place he would've surely been seen cruising around.
9. Anna “Luck Be a Lady” Wellington
Those who know Anna Wellington best, know she would've taken the over that she'd beat lung cancer. Anna lived an adventurous life, moving from the edge of losing everything she's ever known, to striking it rich. Her unfortunate passing on Valentine's Day will hit home for her fellow chain smokers at the slot machines over at Eagle Hatchet's Casino and Resort. Her dying words, “Will you scratch this?” ended up doubling her retirement funds to $2.50 in gas station credits.