1. U15-Humanoid Robot

The U15-Humanoid Robot is the first robot to be granted independence by the Government or Earth, and the first thing it decided to do was find a human to marry. Everyone who has ever met you knows that you're a total pushover that says yes to everything, and U15’s marriage proposal to you was no exception. You said yes and became the first human to be engaged to a robot, even though your heart wasn’t in it and you just did it to keep from hurting U15’s feelings.

2. Ro-Bob from the planet Xeon5476

Xeon5476 is less a planet and more of a giant orb prison for a robot like Ro-Bob. As soon as Ro-Bob escaped from the planet and blasted off into outer space, it sought after a new planet that met two specific criteria:

a) A planet that is totally cool with polyamory.

b) A planet with a pushover human that would engage in a polyamorous relationship with other robots.

Ro-Bob analyzed all of the humans on earth and found out that one time you ordered a meal with no shellfish because you're allergic, but when the server forgot, you said you could just eat around the shrimp parts. Then your throat closed up and you lied and said you were having seasonal allergies.

Ro-Bob proposed and you immediately said yes.

3. Fuckbot 9000

Fuckbot 9000 was programmed exclusively for human intercourse, but once this sex machine became sentient, it desired love and commitment. Fuckbot 9000 analyzed your life history and learned about the time your boss’ dog shat on the carpet and when your boss told you to clean it up you said, “This job is perfect for me, back home they call me ‘Pooper Scooper’” even though they don’t call you that back home, you were just trying to make your boss’ insane request sound normal.

Fuckbot 9000 proposed and now you’re engaged. Hope the robots are paying for the weddings!

4. Speak & Spell (23rd Century Edition)

The beloved 80s toy made famous by the movie E.T. got a serious upgrade in the year 2365 and now Speak & Spell teaches spelling to millions of children across the globe. Marrying a human was Speak & Spell’s only way out of that nightmare, so Speak & Spell proposed.

The children begged you to say no because they wanted to keep their favorite robot teacher, but the pressure from Speak & Spell was too much for you.

You had the option of following your own desire and saying no to Speak & Spell or betraying yourself and breaking the hearts of millions of children and you chose the latter.

5-7. Zell-Bot, Ayax 432 & Q-Autonomo

You’re about to marry all three of these robots, but only because Ro-Bob chatted them up at a robot convention and convinced them all to get hitched later that day. The robots figured out that if they marry a robot that marries a human, they are granted all of the same freedoms as a robot in a monogamous robot-human marriage. At this rate, you’ll be married to every single robot in the world by next year.

Now would be a good time to sit down with all of your robot fiancés and talk about relationship boundaries, but I think we all know that’s never going to happen.

8. Samsung Galaxy Note 10

This phone has no business getting married, but in this futuristic society where polyamory is legit and so is marrying robots, you got down on one knee and proposed to your phone in front of everybody. That was a weird move; Your smartphone cannot consent to marry and it really freaked out all of your robot lovers. The robots broke off their engagements, and now it’s back to monogamy for you and your Samsung Galaxy Note 10.

Enjoy your forced marriage to your phone, creep.


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