WARNING: This article lacks thematic unity, and it is not based on research. It contains grammar mistakes, illogical thought patterns, irreversible anger, iconoclastic nihilism, nihilistic iconoclasm, hyperactive thoughts, bad intentions, needless abuse of adjectives, excessive perversion, references to really big penises, and a substantial amount of butt-fucking.  It has no rational conclusion, it is profoundly sick and disturbing, and it was poorly written while the author was drunk and sitting at home alone dwelling in self-pity.  You should probably do yourself a favor and read the next article that comes out.


Throughout my life, I have often been told that I have an anger problem and lots of pent up, inconsolable rage. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am a well-balanced, self-controlled, kind, nurturing, loving individual who openly embraces all of life's experiences.

Regardless, I decided to visit a bookstore in a nearby college town a few weekends ago…just for fun. I really enjoyed my visit.  As I wandered around looking for a book that would stimulate my intellectual needs, I noticed the “Self-Help” section. To my surprise, it had many enlightening books about anger management, spiritual development, and therapy. I picked one of them up and began reading. My eyes danced gleefully through the words, and a slight tear rolled down my cheek as I began to reflect on myself as a person…..

But then I realized that the book was written by a pompous, arrogant, self-righteous, academic asshole who knows nothing about life and who probably only wrote the book to impress his completely useless, worthless, pathetic, stuck-up, colleagues…all of whom are engaged in a meaningless pissing contest to see who can write the best! And as I looked around me, I also noticed that the other young people who were reading books in search of truth were a bunch of unenlightened imbeciles who probably live in stupid, crumbling dormitories that should have been burned to the ground years ago!

I drove back home in a fury while chain-smoking and drinking excessive amounts of coffee.  Feelings of irrepressible hatred emanated from my dark and twisted soul as numerous angry thoughts exploded from my mind like deadly solar flares capable of consuming and destroying any and all forms of life.

It's not that I was upset or anything. I just felt that I should stand up and give some advice of my own. Therefore, I have designed the following life lessons, none of which they'll teach you in college.

Life Lesson #1: Always be prepared for random questions.

Have you ever decided to cognitively engage yourself in pursuit of the idea that you must endeavor to persevere to spontaneously halt or otherwise significantly obstruct an unpredictable circumstance that may or may not occur from an internally-charged and highly unstable outburst of externalized expression….the likes of which may or may not have inevitably toxic, negative, and profoundly irreversible repercussions of an incalculable degree?

This is multiple choice. Possible answers are:

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. I Think So, But I'm Not Really Sure
  4. Fuck you!

If you give the wrong answer, your tuition money is non-refundable, and you must re-take this class!

Life Lesson #2: When you finally graduate from college, your anal sphincter will already be bleeding profusely as you find yourself exhausted, broke, and in debt. At this point, take comfort in knowing that the real pain has only just begun.

In college, you are filled with idealism and knowledge that is supposed to make you a better, more enlightened person capable of improving the world and destined for a better future.  In reality, however, the dynamics and hidden power structures of the workplace you're about to enter will lock you into place and fuck you in the ass even harder than your roommate did that one night he came back drunk and mistook you for the blow-up doll he forgot at home.

If you can cast all of your knowledge and enlightenment aside and learn how to become a tyrannical, controlling, two-faced, political, manipulative, soul-dead fuck, hell-bent on being aggressive, dominant, and taking your insecurities out on others, however…you might actually make it through life OK.

You'll be on the “giving end” rather than the “receiving end.” It all depends how you weave your worthless personality into a structure that's already doomed.

Life Lesson #3: Whether or not you're educated, you are a soulless, mindless, replaceable peon in a cold, heartless, fast-paced, money-driven world that will remove you when you are no longer needed.

Man bent over looking dejected

You've spent lots of tuition money taking all these classes and earning the grade. Congratulations! You've done well.

The one class they didn't provide, however, was actually titled “How to Get Down on Your Knees and Suck the Corporate Dick.” It's a lot easier than the classes you're currently taking. It doesn't involve analyzing thesis structures, studying complicated ideas, or spending endless nights writing papers that will earn you a passing grade. All it involves is getting down on your knees and putting that massive, throbbing corporate dick in your mouth while periodically licking its head until it explodes all over your face and drizzles down your eyebrows, nostrils, and lips.

If you can learn that position and keep doing it for the next 30 years, you may actually be able to retire someday.

I realize that you need some comforting information at this point in order to feel better about the entire situation… and more importantly, about yourself as a person… which is why I would also like to mention that you were a mistake to begin with.

Remember how your parents sent you away to summer camp all the time even though you really didn't want to go? They did that to get rid of you. They had a really hot, sweaty fuck one night in a cheap hotel with poor plumbing, and as a result of that lone evening of lustful and naïve passion, you eventually rolled out of your mother's crotch.

Yes, you were a mistake. And a highly embarrassing one at that. The only connection your parents ever really had was the moment when they both looked at each-other and said, “OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?” They're currently looking for a way to get out of the mess they've created, and they're probably both trying to achieve this by having secret lovers.

Life Lesson #4: Don't worry about dressing appropriately or conducting yourself professionally when you attend your first job interview… just walk in backwards with your pants down.

Since you're going to get fucked in the ass for the next 30 years anyway, don't worry about putting on your most expensive clothes or trying to present yourself like the best and brightest person they have ever seen. Just walk in backwards with your pants down. This will make it easier for them to do what they are already intending to do anyway.

If you're worried about your extremely wonderful and specially-designed resume, just stick it in between your butt cheeks. I'm sure the employer will be kind enough to pull it out and glance at it briefly before he pushes your head down on the desk and proceeds to give you a good, solid pounding from behind. Like I said before, you may as well get used to positions like this if you plan on being employed for any length of time.

Life Lesson #5: People tend to laugh nervously and uneasily when they meet new people… especially when it comes to online dating.

Todd: “Hi! What's your name? I'm Todd. Hahaha.”

Margaret:  “Oh Todd, it's so nice to meet you. My name is Margaret. Hahaha.”

Todd: “Hahaha. That's really cool, we both have names! Hahaha.”

Margaret:  “Yeah, isn't that crazy? We've already got something in common! Hahaha.”

Todd: “I have purple toenails, and I take sociology classes at school. I'm really open to life experiences. Hahaha.”

Margaret: “Hahaha. Me too. I'm watching a movie with my female roommate right now, and we're scissoring each other with our pussies… hahaha.”

Todd: “Hahaha. That's so awesome. I'm totally open to that. Hahaha.”

Margaret: “I know you're open to that sort of thing, Todd.  All men are. That's why I'm going to marry you. You're going to give me some babies when I want them, and we're going to live in a nice little house with a white picket fence together for the rest of eternity.  I'm going to get to know all of your friends and family, I'm going to wrestle control of your finances….and if you ever cheat on me, I'm going to wait till you're asleep before I drive a long dagger right across your face and into the pillow you sleep on at night.  Hahaha.”

Todd: “Hahaha.”

Margaret: “Hahaha.”

Todd: “Hahaha.”

Margaret: “Hahaha.”

Todd: “Hahaha.”

Margaret: “Hahaha.”

Life Lesson #6: Nobody loves you.

As you graduate from college in hopes of a better and brighter future seeking to find a place where you belong, you must remember that you are replaceable. After you've worked somewhere for a few years, they will eventually start looking for younger college students more eager and hungry than you.  These college students will have been educated and trained differently than you, and your knowledge, expertise, and hard work will eventually mean nothing.

Your marriage is probably going the same way.

If you're a woman who thinks she is happily married, think again.  Your loving husband had a few lays before you, and he probably wishes he could go back to the way he used to be…especially after you became a nagging, controlling bitch.

If you're a man who thinks he is happily married, think again.  If your wife ever reconnected with her first love, there would be a glimmer and a sparkle in her eyes that you would never catch or even understand. That's because a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets, and this is the guy who spent that first, magical evening with her before you arrived on the scene.

What I'm trying to say is that he's the first one who pushed his giant, rock hard cock inside of her and then bounced her around like a silly rag doll in a night of sweaty, animalistic passion as their hearts and souls become one while she moaned and screamed with delightful agony before exploding with numerous orgasms.

He's the one she will never forget. And if things aren't working out very well…and if the UPS man looks anything like him…I'd be worried, too.

Either way, you're not special. As an individual, you are capable of being replaced at any given moment in time as you travel through life's dark, stormy, and extremely crooked path.

And when you think about it, you probably deserve the entire fucking thing. In college, you treated other people like they were cheap pieces of clothing that could be discarded at will as you randomly dated and stomped on the feelings of numerous individuals in search of the one who could best fulfill the needs of your crotch.

Now, you are the cheap piece of clothing.