Relax! It's only your first date since [insert ex-girlfriend's name] left you for another (and let's be honest) better-looking and more-educated man/woman/cat. If your jogging bottom collection is anything to go by, you should have no problem getting back into the game. And by game I mean date with a complete stranger who may take an instant disliking towards you and your offline personality.

First date race meme

Panic not; I see the headlights in your constant bloodshot eyes. It's going to be FINE. I am almost sure that you have become more charismatic during the last six empty and tissue-filling years that have passed since that sorrow-drenched day when you went from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to "single."

The important thing to remember is to not constantly beat yourself up about your status as a single male.

Instead, allow me to do so…

You are pathetic. Silly string would be completely wasted on you, and I've seen it being used on drug addicts that have been sober for only half an hour. You my friend are a Judd Apatow movie in the making.

So let me continue to litter the internet with yet another daft guide and let's explore the five things you should definitely (he says shaking his head) show your gal on the first date.

1. Slogan Tees

"Dude, that's hilarious!" said every thirteen year old boy. Unfortunately your date is a 36-year-old woman, so you're a little hesitant to wear the shirt that reads "Tell Your Boobs to Stop Staring at My Eyes." I get it. But c'mon, she'll almost certainly be impressed with your sense of humor. I mean, if the "I heart sluts" t-shirt doesn't score you a second date then I really don't know what will.

2. Courage

The epitome of courage is to devour the meatiest and messiest thing on the menu. It goes without saying (but in this case I will): use your hands not cutlery.

What are you, royalty?!

Make room on your phone next to your mother's contact digits, ‘cause if you show her your raw unadulterated courage, she might respond by showing you her number. Oh yeah you read correctly, I said number.

3. Devotion to Hobbies

If you're looking for something to talk about, why not tell her about your hobbies? Better yet, why tell when you can show? Bring that large collection of miniature painted warriors with you on the date. Women are always impressed by a devotion to hobbies. If you can be that dedicated to painting miniature figures, then in her mind she will have no problem being the center of your attention.

4. Language Skills

Why not order your meal in Vulcan, Vuhlkansu, or High Vulcan? Repeat after me, "I, [insert name], am the Brad Pitt of Trekkies." Chicks dig a linguistically diverse human male with a fetish for fictional societies that travel through space.

Vulcan language

5. Smooth Criminal

You are SMOOTH, so it would be CRIMINAL not to use your grace to prolong the night. Go on, you know she wants the night to go on forever. And I've seen you practice those one-liners in the mirror.

So guess what, hombre?

It's time to put the "cute" in "execute." Put your "form" into "perform." The "act" in "practice." "Imp" into "implement"—but don't put the "full" in "fulfil" because it doesn't work—there are two L's in "full" and only one L in the middle of "fulfil" and it just becomes rather nonsensical. Like my old girlfriend once said to me: "I made that mistake for the both of us."

Point is, women love one-liners. And you, my friend, can keep the night young with some simple zingers like:

"Is it just cold in here or are my nipples pointing the way to my parent's basement?"

"If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U, I and the stripper on pole B together."

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven and landed on a far prettier woman?"

* * *

So there you have it. Now you've read through all five points, how could it possibly go wrong?! In the words of a wise condom packet, "Please use at your pleasure."

Good luck! And may the less prosperous always laugh at your misfortune.

Note: Underneath this satirical page of crap literature lies genuine advice for the nervous few who are approaching a date night: just be yourself… unless your mind is lined with Donald Trump's inner voice. And remember, nobody likes an ugly crier (even one with beautiful—yet masculine—blonde locks, and a handsome but dangerous-looking nose).