Where would we be without the Green Party? Could you imagine if Ralph Nader hadn’t run in the 2000 presidential election, and we were living in a world without Citizens United, the Iraq War, the response to Hurricane Katrina, an anonymous Valerie Plame, and the 2008 market crash? It’s chilling to even think about.
And as Americans continue to analyze the 2016 presidential election months after the fact, one thing is becoming increasingly clear: physician and Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein stole enough votes from Hillary Clinton in Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin to swing the election in Donald Trump’s favor. But one look into Stein’s past would have revealed some big clues to the total disaster wrought upon our country due to her very presence.
Here are five instances where Jill Stein really fucked it up for everyone involved.
1. She was the kid your mom made you hang out with to get chicken pox.
Sure, chicken pox is an adolescent rite of passage, but Jill Stein didn’t even have a Nintendo. Medical professionals do say it’s important to get the disease young, as there could be dangerous complications contracting it in adulthood, but they place no value judgment on Jill Stein’s parents buying the generic cereal brands.
2. When with a group of friends in a secluded cabin, she read from the Necronomicon.
This one was really an unforced error. Completely ignoring the fact that the text was inked in human blood and written in a series of unknown Kandarian consonants, Jill Stein really gave it the old college try. One by one, she had to dismember and bury each of her friends as they turned into demons that preyed upon the living. This brand of stick-to-itiveness could really make her the formidable foe to American stability moving forward.
3. The last episode of Lost was her idea.
Daniel Lindelof is a real gentleman who solely shoulders the blame for the universally despised series finale of Lost, so he’ll never admit publicly that the whole idea was based on a spec script Jill Stein provided. Though she is not currently hirable in Hollywood, she discovered her campaign motto, “We’ve Been Dead the Entire Time” was a cash cow for email solicitations.
4. She ratted on Timothy O’Neil, the school janitor, for the porno mag found in the furnace room.
God, was this a controversy! Yet, no one ever stopped to ask why Jill Stein was in the furnace room in the first place.
5. Your dad took away your gun because every time you let Jill hold it, she would point it at the squirrels in the park and say, “One day you’ll be able to say you were shot by the President of the United States.”
Jill Stein obviously didn’t get the memo that the American public broadly rejects the perception of an ambitious woman. But that’s not going to stop me from imagining her saying this while in a two-piece bikini.