In 2006 the movie My Super Ex-Girlfriend was released. This film helped to illustrate two points. First, if you wish to make a successful comedy film you should probably attempt to put some funny people in it. Second, dating a superwoman is often a recipe for disaster. For every bout of mind-blowing-ultra-cosmic-mega-mega-uber-freaky-crazy-ultrasonic sex, there are numerous pitfalls, most of which end with the non-super member of the relationship dying a terrible terrible death.

Not being one to learn my lessons from films starring Luke Wilson, though, I decided to go ahead and ask ten of the finest women from comic books out to romantic dinners. Here are the results.

1. WONDER WOMAN

Me: So, you're a pretty famous superhero. I guess you've probably got your own movie coming out soon, right?

WW: No studio will give me one. It is kind of a sore point.

Me: Ahh… television series then?

WW: Please change the subject.

Me: Cool. Umm… is there a video game in the works?

Evening ends with me being hog-tied with a golden lasso and dropped from an invisible plane.

2. CATWOMAN

CW: Hi, sorry I'm late.

Me: Oversleep on a catnap?

CW: Aah… right. Say, let's get a drink.

Me: Two saucers of milk?

CW: Yeah, whatever. Look, I'm just going to go to the bathroom.

Me: Do they have a box in the corner that you can take a dump in?

Evening ends with me covered in lacerations and being nibbled to death by housecats.

3. JEAN GREY

Jean Grey (comic character)Me: Hi.

JG: You know I can read minds, right?

Me: Yeah…

JG: So, yes, I am wearing panties.

Me: Oh…

JG: No, they are just regular ones.

Me: Right…

JG: And I'm not telling you the color.

Me: But…

JG: Of course I'm a real redhead.

Me: Wait…

JG: If Cyclops could fire lasers from that part of his body would I really still be here?

Me: Ahh…

Evening ends with a fork teleporting across the restaurant and stabbing me in the eye.

4. POISON IVY

Me: Hi, I brought you some violets.

PI: Aaaggghhh! How dare you murder my floral sisters!

Evening ends with me pulling removing nettles from my rectum and running out of aloe-vera gel.

5. STORM

Storm comic book character (Marvel)Me: Wow, crazy weather outside, huh?

Storm: What are you suggesting?

Me: Ahh… nothing.

Storm: Are you saying that because I'm a woman I can't do a decent job?

Me: Noooo…

Storm: Because I can.

Me: Right.

Storm: I'm not even on my period or anything.

Me: Shall we skip dessert?

Evening ends with me regretting that I didn't get to make a joke using the word "frigid."

6. ELEKTRA

Elektra (Daredevil comic character)Me: I see you brought your own forks.

Elektra: *Silence*

Me: Hey, at least I'm not blind, right?

Evening ends with me receiving a long boring lecture from Ben Affleck about why I should watch the Daredevil movie again.

7. SILK SPECTRE

Silk Spectre (comic character)Me: So, do you still keep in touch with Dr. Manhattan?

SS: I'd prefer if you called him "John."

Me: Sorry.

SS: And he lives on Mars now, so…

Me: I see.

SS: Maybe he'll return to Earth one day, though.

Me: Do you think he could try and give someone cancer for me?

Dr. Manhattan: I heard that.

Evening ends with me being clubbed to death by a gigantic blue penis.

8. ROGUE

Me: So… can you put out yet?

Evening ends with me being completely drained of all my life-force (and not in the good way).

9. INVISIBLE WOMAN

Me: If Mr. Fantastic can stretch any part of his body to any size he wants, then…

IW: Stop.

Me: What?

IW: I've seen Mallrats too, okay?

Me: Oh, right. So… if The Thing's body is completely made out of rock…

Evening ends with my date disappearing and me being forced to pay for two meals.

10. SHE-HULK

Green She-Hulk in a purple costumeMe: So…your outfit is a nice shade of purple.

SH: Come home with me.

Me: Well, I normally don't on the first date…

SH: You don't think I'm pretty? I said come home with me! You make She-Hulk angry! She-Hulk smash puny man RRRRAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Me: Eeep.

Evening ends with me pulling green pubic hairs from out of my teeth and swearing to never read another comic book again.


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