Sports Quotes

Joe: Did you watch the NBA draft?
Frank: No, I don't like watching drafts.
Joe: I like watching sports drafts. I'm kinda pissed I missed the NFL draft.
Frank: Why?
Joe: Because watching black people succeed in life makes me feel happy.
-On simple rights pleasures

Bill: Dude, you thought my second favorite sport was hockey?
Probyn (black friend): Umm....
Bill: Why?
Probyn: I suck at those quizzes.
Bill: Is it because I'm white?
Probyn: Hahahaha.
Bill: I have waited my entire life to be able to use that.
-On Facebook quizzes opening one door and closing others

Justin: Dude, golf is like a mental game man. So don't worry about that shot you just hit into the wheat field, or the club that followed it. Just think about this shot and this club.
Joe: (hits ball into wheat field) Fuck this game!
Justin: Don't worry about it man, just take it one shot at a time.
Joe: Okay, let's go, we'll scramble, where did your ball go? (Justin stares blankly at Joe) Did you even hit a ball?
Justin: I.... shit.... I can't remember.
Joe: You're too drunk to give advice man.
-On improper sporting motivation

"I guess I'll have to drink to wash the bitter taste of vagina and defeat from my mouth."
-Bryan, on losing his favorite game

Jack: Hey Andy, can I borrow your lacrosse pole?
Andrew: Sure, but it's kinda bent.
Jack: (checks the pole) Huh, you're right. You know, it kinda looks like my penis...
-On poles you don't want back

"It looks like they're playing a complicated form of bump."
-Derek, on women's basketball

Frank: Hey, how come girl's basketball only have a 25-second shot clock?
Matt: Because no one wants to watch women play offense for 30 seconds.
-On sooner than later

Frank: Who the hell invented volleyball?
Matt: Probably some women playing "Keep the Balloon Up."
-On setting ducks

Diet: Lee Corso called. He said, "Tim Tebow's dick tastes like Lou Holtz's asshole."
Teddy: Good one...you still owe me ten dollars.
-Unbiased sports commentary at its finest

Frank: YEEAH, TOUCHDOWN!
Wendy: Wow, how do they throw the ball like that?
Frank: Well, first of all, you have to stop being a girl.
-On the gender hump

Grace: Coach, I love you.
Coach: You're one sick kid, Wilson.
Grace: I meant like a brother, and not in an incest kind of way.
-The soccer team is close

MJ: How come your team is losing?
SH: Shut up, or I'll tear out your kneecap and use it as a wine goblet!
-On a bad soccer day

Frank: Dear God, please bless Matt Cassel with the intelligence, strength, and accuracy to throw the ball to Randy Moss and bless Randy with the speed, stamina, and agility to beat the secondary and run into the endzone.
(30 seconds later)
Frank: Fuck this, I go through all that prayer and they hand it off. I hate this game.
-On negligible impacts

(After fireworks went off for the beginning of World Series Game 5)
Adrienne: That was so awesome.
Joshua: And you know what we saw that in? PERSON.
(30 minutes later)
Adrienne: This is so much fun.
Joshua: And you know what? If it wasn't for me I wouldn't even be here tonight!

"Why didn't you tell me that I was supposed to push that button?? You knew I was going to push that button! Did you rape this game?? You raped this fucking game when I went to get strawberry milk...."
-Aaron, drunk and losing at Xbox