Sports Quotes

Tara: What I like about the team is that it's all free agents.
Courtney: Free Asians?
Simone: Yes, because free Asians are the best kind.
Courtney: Everyone knows that enslaved Asians are no fun.
Simone: But they build damn good railroads.
-Taking the team to the next level

Deep: You think Brady's gonna make a comeback?
Frank: I'd like to say no but you never count Brady out. When you do, he'll come back and rape you. Except it wouldn't be rape because it'll be any girl's fantasy minus Brett Favre.
-On the consensual comebacks

Frank: Alright Harman, I'm gonna stage the most awesome comeback in football history.
Harman: Ooooh, you like that sack? Just got sacked bitch.
Frank: What the hell! How's Moss supposed to go deep when you tools can't block? You know what, as of right now, the offensive line is all free agents. You hear that, all five of you are officially free agents!
-Handing down electronic punishments

Pat: First fucking down! Vince Young never gives up!
Nick: Yeah, except when he tried to kill himself.
-After breaking a tackle on Madden

Harman: I'm glad Brett Favre stayed retired. No need for more competition in the NFC.
Frank: You think Favre would've been a threat had he joined the Vikings?
Harman: He has the League's best half-back and decent receivers. I think he could've done some damage if he learned to aim before he shoots.
Frank: You think his wife would've taught him that but no. That or she really doesn't mind washing the sheets.
-On stiff competition

Joe: Did you watch the NBA draft?
Frank: No, I don't like watching drafts.
Joe: I like watching sports drafts. I'm kinda pissed I missed the NFL draft.
Frank: Why?
Joe: Because watching black people succeed in life makes me feel happy.
-On simple rights pleasures

Bill: Dude, you thought my second favorite sport was hockey?
Probyn (black friend): Umm....
Bill: Why?
Probyn: I suck at those quizzes.
Bill: Is it because I'm white?
Probyn: Hahahaha.
Bill: I have waited my entire life to be able to use that.
-On Facebook quizzes opening one door and closing others

Justin: Dude, golf is like a mental game man. So don't worry about that shot you just hit into the wheat field, or the club that followed it. Just think about this shot and this club.
Joe: (hits ball into wheat field) Fuck this game!
Justin: Don't worry about it man, just take it one shot at a time.
Joe: Okay, let's go, we'll scramble, where did your ball go? (Justin stares blankly at Joe) Did you even hit a ball?
Justin: I.... shit.... I can't remember.
Joe: You're too drunk to give advice man.
-On improper sporting motivation

"I guess I'll have to drink to wash the bitter taste of vagina and defeat from my mouth."
-Bryan, on losing his favorite game

Jack: Hey Andy, can I borrow your lacrosse pole?
Andrew: Sure, but it's kinda bent.
Jack: (checks the pole) Huh, you're right. You know, it kinda looks like my penis...
-On poles you don't want back

"It looks like they're playing a complicated form of bump."
-Derek, on women's basketball

Frank: Hey, how come girl's basketball only have a 25-second shot clock?
Matt: Because no one wants to watch women play offense for 30 seconds.
-On sooner than later

Frank: Who the hell invented volleyball?
Matt: Probably some women playing "Keep the Balloon Up."
-On setting ducks

Diet: Lee Corso called. He said, "Tim Tebow's dick tastes like Lou Holtz's asshole."
Teddy: Good one...you still owe me ten dollars.
-Unbiased sports commentary at its finest

Frank: YEEAH, TOUCHDOWN!
Wendy: Wow, how do they throw the ball like that?
Frank: Well, first of all, you have to stop being a girl.
-On the gender hump