Sports Quotes

"What the hell!? Baylor is picked to finish first in the Big 12 South?! What the..... oh wait, it's in alphabetical order. Whew, for a second there I thought the world was ending, and I'm not ready for that. I haven't even hooked up with a blonde chick yet!"
-Joe, on preseason catastrophes

Lindsey: That handicapped shower's retarded!
Amelia: Uh, isn't that the point?
-In the locker room after a soccer game

"Hold your pole up, run fast, aim it at the box, plant hard and hold on for the ride."
-Kari's pole vault coach, making it simple

Woody: I'm not playing next year because I am too good for this school.
Neil: Woody, you're not playing next year because your GPA is lower than my blood-alcohol content.
-On under-qualifications

Joel: Can we get some ping pong equipment?
Rec employee (as 3 hot girls walk up): Here you go.
Dallas: Ping pong?! We said weight belts!!
-On last second adjustments

Joe: So yeah, she shut me down hardcore. Thinkin' it's pretty much over with, man. I don't really have a chance.
Merik: Don't think like that, there's always a chance. It may be the start of the fourth quarter and you're down forty, but Joe Montana is comin' in at quarterback, the comeback is on!
Joe: If I had Joe Montana on my bench, why the fuck did I start Ryan Leaf?
-On putting your best foot backward

Joe: Okay, two more holes. All I gotta do is better than 10 strokes and I beat you.
Merik: Man, you can just putt it the rest of the way.
Joe: ...It's putt-putt golf you fucktard.
-On the road to victory

Christee: Me and Marcus just went and worked out. What have you been up to?
Joe: I just got out of bed, and have been playing on the computer ever since.
Christee: You should start working out too, it really makes you feel good.
Joe: Yeah, no. I have absolutely no desire to work harder than I possibly need too. So until God makes me get fat, I will not work hard at being skinny.
Marcus: Lazy.
Joe: I'm not lazy, I'm just energy efficient.
-On cutting down on costs of living

Deep: I'm kicking your ass right now. I'm like the Egyptians and you are the Jewish slaves.
Reuben: Oh yeah, who's in the lead now?
Deep: Fuck, you've crossed the Red Sea. Now where's your mana?
-While playing Wii Sports

Tara: What I like about the team is that it's all free agents.
Courtney: Free Asians?
Simone: Yes, because free Asians are the best kind.
Courtney: Everyone knows that enslaved Asians are no fun.
Simone: But they build damn good railroads.
-Taking the team to the next level

Deep: You think Brady's gonna make a comeback?
Frank: I'd like to say no but you never count Brady out. When you do, he'll come back and rape you. Except it wouldn't be rape because it'll be any girl's fantasy minus Brett Favre.
-On the consensual comebacks

Frank: Alright Harman, I'm gonna stage the most awesome comeback in football history.
Harman: Ooooh, you like that sack? Just got sacked bitch.
Frank: What the hell! How's Moss supposed to go deep when you tools can't block? You know what, as of right now, the offensive line is all free agents. You hear that, all five of you are officially free agents!
-Handing down electronic punishments

Pat: First fucking down! Vince Young never gives up!
Nick: Yeah, except when he tried to kill himself.
-After breaking a tackle on Madden

Harman: I'm glad Brett Favre stayed retired. No need for more competition in the NFC.
Frank: You think Favre would've been a threat had he joined the Vikings?
Harman: He has the League's best half-back and decent receivers. I think he could've done some damage if he learned to aim before he shoots.
Frank: You think his wife would've taught him that but no. That or she really doesn't mind washing the sheets.
-On stiff competition

Joe: Did you watch the NBA draft?
Frank: No, I don't like watching drafts.
Joe: I like watching sports drafts. I'm kinda pissed I missed the NFL draft.
Frank: Why?
Joe: Because watching black people succeed in life makes me feel happy.
-On simple rights pleasures