Drinking and Partying Quotes

Eason: We're gonna rape this challenge. We're gonna fuck it's shit up for a change.
Kirsty: No one tested me back. Fucking pussies!
(12 hours later)
Kirsty: I woke up with the shakes.
Eason: I think I broke my vagina.
-On Century Challenge Night

TJ: I'm no longer hung over! God Bless my metabolism. Fuck it for making me super hungry all the time, but bless it now.
Cata: Poor you, eating all the time and never gaining weight. Drinking all you want without hangovers. That's awful. Really.
TJ: You will never know my pain. I only get full at all-you-can-eat places. I've fucking been asked to leave a buffet, Catalina. It's just like lasting a long time in bed: highly coveted, yet a big hassle in general. Regardless, I'm rewarding my metabolism by getting fucked up by 2pm today.

"Make it back to campus damn it. I need you to hump random people in the background so I look chivalrous in comparison."
-TJ, on why the fuck Jamie isn't around

"Damn! It takes a couple minutes to feel the full effect... (notices his grandma is in the living room) of the soda!"
-Tyler, after taking 7 shots of vodka within 2 minutes (under questionable at-home circumstances apparently)

"I'm getting good at this drunk driving shit...I don't even remember the drive,"
-Natalie, on safe driving skills

Kierston: Brittany, what the fuck IS that in your cup?
Britt (drunk): Jungle juice?
Kierston: Are you serious? A bottle of Smirnoff Ice, watermelon, raspberry, Calico Jack, Vlad, and orange juice? 'Cause all of it's gone, and that cooler is full of liquid....
Britt: Uhhhhhhh.... YEAH!!!
Kierston: I'm taking you to a meeting tomorrow.
-The meeting of the minds?

Sam: What? They're already dating? They just started talking yesterday!
Caitlin: Next thing you know they'll be engaged.
Sam: And two days later a baby will pop out!
Caitlin: I'm buying a graduation present tomorrow!
Sam: He turned out really hot...I'm actually dating him.
-Why do our lives move so much slower than our roommates'?

Nick: I should crack a beer. But I should not crack a beer. For there is chicken.
Jack: Dude. I think you just wrote a haiku...
-On unintended Japanese art forms while watching a movie

Kurt: What the hell is that?!
Mike: It's a 9-pack of pints...
Kurt: What are you? A hobbit?!
-On Mike's 9-pack of 16oz Miller Lite bottles

Frank: The three of you ladies are going to have a lesbian orgy?
Elise: No!
Frank: Dammit!
Elise: Why do you say those things?
Frank: Well first, because I'm a dick. And second, because I'm drunk.
-On simple assessments

Jules: Tell a joke.
Jesse: Knock knock...
Jules: (Balls into laughter)
-After a rather large bottle of Barton's Dark Rum

(Completely drunk girl hands her ID to the bouncer)
Bouncer: (looks over the ID) This isn't your ID.
Girl: Yes, it is.
Bouncer: (laughing) This isn't you.
Girl: Oh my gosh. Look!
Bouncer: What's your sign?
Girl: What? It's not my birthday.
Bouncer: (looking confused) No, what is your sign?
Girl: I don't know it's not my ID... Virgo?
Bouncer: No, it's definitely not. It's Taurus. I can't believe you are trying to use a fake ID when there are policemen right next to you.
-He then gave it back to her so she could go in a different door

Jerry: On a scale from Affiliction to Ed Hardy, how many douchebags are at the bar?
Brett: I'd give it about a TapOut.
Jerry: Okay man, I'll see you tomorrow.
-Reporting live for Sausage Fest News

Holly (drunk): I don't feel so good... (pukes)
Caitlin: Ew, it looks like a slurpee.
Kendall: Shut up, there's a guy staring at us over there.
Caitlin: HOLLY! Why did you spill your slurpee all over the sidewalk?!
Jen (high): Wait! We have slurpees?!
-Gross, yum, gross

Terri: Katie, I seriously think you're an alcoholic.
Katie: I can't afford to be one, so no worries.
-On financial intervention