Wednesday, March 19

"Be careful you don't go tanning tommorow. All this dough might bake inside you into a giant cookie, and when cookies bake, they expand. You could explode like a cookie pinata."
-Munk, warning of the dangers of eating cookie dough while drunk
Utica College

"Somebody's moaning... I know that's why you're smiling when it's on vibrate between your legs."
-Professor H, calling out the girl with the vibrating phone
Southern Methodist University

Jeff: Amy Adams is really hot; she's so sugary and smiley. It's like having a crush on a Jolly Rancher.
Heather: I want to have sex with the Jolly Rancher.
-On his and hers "Amy Adams"
University of Utah

Random Guy: SQEEEEEBEEEEEEE!!!
George: Is this Matt or Mike? Squeebeee sounds like Matt vocab, but then again Mike is a moron...
Random Person: Weiners?
George: Yeah, it's Mike...
-Completely sober phone conversation
Mount Royal College

Whitney: Would you rather be a giant, or a midget?
Collin: Well, I would want to be a giant. Then you can be really good at basketball.
Joe: Midgets can fit in small places.
Collin: Giants can reach top shelves.
Joe: Midgets can fit on top shelves.
-During a road trip
University of Wisconsin-Whitewater

"I wanna make out with Amy Adams, it'd be like sticking your face in a bowl of honey."
-Jeff, stuck with Heather
University of Utah

Darren: Do you have a cig?
Linds: You know I don't smoke, tard.
Darren: I was hoping you started...today.
-Keep trying, there's still hope
Southern Methodist University

Monday, March 17

Sheri's Mom: There are two things I hate swallowing, and Jello is one of them!
Andrea: Hahahahahaha!
Sheri: Oh my God.... You did NOT just say that.....
-TMI for the day, while taking Jello shots in the middle of the day in Vegas
Seattle University

Robber: Give me your wallets!
Brad: Okay, fine. Here, just leave us alone.
(Robber runs away)
Jeff: Fuck. That was scary. Let's get home, we better cancel our credit cards and shit.
Brad: Why? What's he gonna do with mine? Make a payment?
-On less than no money
University of Alberta

"How do you lose weight? Yeah right. Like I would know."
-Professor O, proving that her BMI is high for a reason
Southern Methodist University

"There are only two reasons I would ever go to China: one is to eat blowfish, and the other is to see Garth Brooks."
-Cullen, drunk, on foreign objectives
Washington State University

"Dude, we're kinda awesome. And by we, I mean you. And by kinda, I mean me...sometimes."
-Matt, hedging awesome after making fiberglass composites
Cal Poly San Luis Obispo

Jen: I haven't been penetrated like that since I was 8 years old.
Niki: Yeah, not since that time when your uncle came over.
-Upon being poked outside her pants on the vagina
Portland State University

Jordan: It would be sweet to sneak into a Girl Scout camp at night, do a bunch of Girl Scouts, then just leave.
(Long pause)
Jordan: I mean, they would have to be 18 obviously...
Andy: Yeah 18-year-old Girl Scout pornstars!
-In a perfect world...
Northeast Iowa Community College