Tuesday, March 4

"That's the thing that sucks the most about being a fat alcoholic: I'm just not built for physical activity. Actually, that's not what sucks the most.... What sucks the most is that I'm fat and an alcoholic!"
-Adam, reflecting on an intramural softball game with a beer
Texas Tech University

Rory: Seriously, that guy is too good at Guitar Hero. I don’t even want to play anymore.
Star: You know why he’s good, right? He doesn’t have sex. This is what he does instead.
Rory: Okay, I feel better now.
-On consolation at a Guitar Hero tournament
Washington State University

Professor: What are your thoughts on the story?
*Class is silent for a few seconds*
Random student in hallway on phone: Fuuuuuuuuuuuck this shit!
-Example of perfect timing
Fairleigh Dickinson University

Elizabeth: Kurt got me a naked lady air freshener.
Cari: Does it smell like pussy?
-Clearing the air
Buena Vista University

"Sometimes, in sub-Saharan Africa, those who are put in arranged marriages will run away because they've found someone they'd rather get off with. Wait..."
-Professor F, on Freudian principles during history class
Bradley University

Andy: So why are you sitting here with me if your so-called wife is in her birthday suit?
Jordan: It isn't her birthday yet...
Andy: That doesn't mean she isn't naked!
-When it comes to girls, optimism has no boundaries
Northeast Iowa Community College

"You know what pisses me off? All these Psychology majors that interview people for their reports and thesis papers, and no one wants to interview me. I know I am fucked up and that can guarantee them an A!"
-Erika, running into the fourth psychology major who was doing an interview
Fairleigh Dickinson University

Steve: How was your weekend?
Ian: Alicia actually said, “We might go to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.” And she wasn’t quoting anything.
Steve: …Jesus.
Ian: Yep. Then she realized her quote and we both laughed. Then I died a little inside.
-Stay in college as long as you can, kids
Stetson University, College of Law

Monday, March 3

"I know this is probably a little TMI but... holy scratchy beard in my va-jay-jay!!"
-Lorrie, on why women aren't the only ones who should shave
Grand Valley State University

"And we all know the earth is a woman. Why? Because you stick something into it and something else comes out."
-Professor Z, on return on investment
University of North Carolina at Greensboro

Joe: This party needs more people.
Tom: Yeah. More girls too!
-Sexism, or over-enthusiasm?
Louisiana State University

Mike: Fine by me. Play your games, I'm going out and getting laid.
Tony: Final Fantasy 7 is cheaper than a relationship and lasts twice as long.
-On the economics of nerdiness vs. sex
University of Leeds

Effie: I'm still angry at you for various things.
Nate: Like?
Effie: Lots of things.
Nate: Gonna have to be more specific; I'm super excited to see you, but I need to be ready if you're gonna be cunty when you come over.
-On male prep
UCLA Law School

Davina: You sound gullible like me.
Katie: You don't even know the half of it, one time somebody said that narwhals were unicorns that fell into the ocean and just adapted to sea life.
Tanner: What the fuck is a narwhal?
Katie: You know those small little whales that have a unicorn horn on their head.
Davina: I'm pretty sure those don't exist either.
-Two heads aren't better than one
University of Nebraska, Omaha

Aileen: Molly.... Ughhhhh. Don’t have sex with him, okay? Wait until you meet someone you think you love, make a mistake and lose it to him. Then realize you hate him after and never want to see him again.
Molly: Are you speaking from personal experience, here?
Aileen: ...Maybe.
-Aileen, voicing her regrets
Seattle University

"You'd toss more salad than a hurricane hitting a vegan cafe."
-Mike, letting his friend know his chances in prison
University of Leeds